Charmed
There's Something About Leo

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There's Something About The Dolt

Once Piper's vanished, I'm Not Candy and Uniqua flare into the room and silently observe the Dolt as he gradually becomes aware of their presence. "Why did you do this?" he demands, pivoting to confront them. "We didn't," Uniqua calmly retorts. "You did." "You need to be more careful about your new powers, [Dolt]," I'm Not Candy begins, picking his way slowly and deliberately across the floor. "Reversing time can be...very dangerous." The camera tracks in on the Dolt's scarily gargantuan gargoyle face as the opening credits barge into the frame to beat him senseless.

Cackling. Cackling from the dining room. Shut up, you tired faggots.

The opening travelogue escorts us through the nighttime city as some groaning testicle moans something I'm sure would underscore tonight's themes with a stunning relevance, were his diction not so rotten as to reduce every phrase he utters to an incoherent mumble. We eventually land on Prescott Street and head back into the nonexistent attic, where I'm Not Candy lifts a terribly convenient sand-filled hourglass from a stand as he portentously intones, "Our powers are not meant to be used for personal reasons, [Dolt]." "I didn't mean to!" the Dolt protests fuzzily in the background of the shot. "It just happened!" "Because you wanted it to happen!" I'm Not Candy peeves. "You must be more careful in the future," Uniqua counsels a bit more evenly as she paces through the nonexistent room around the suddenly put-upon Dolt. "Learn to control your emotions," she adds. "Control," I'm Not Candy instructs, "is the first discipline of an Avatar. Otherwise, our powers can become dangerous to others, as well as to ourselves." Yes, dear, we, the viewing audience, already know this, because we saw it all two goddamned years ago. Would you please knock it off with this useless chattering and get to the action already? Unfortunately, that doesn't happen, as Uniqua informs the Dolt that time reversals drain the "powers of the collective," leaving them all vulnerable to attack. I'm Not Candy continues that they'll need their powers to be at full strength to battle the various dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell. The Dolt blurts something about Piper's suspicions, and how he can't keep lying to her or to her sisters. I'm Not Candy and Uniqua immediately pounce all over this, cautioning him that, should the Glamorous Ladies not reach their own understanding of the Avatars' nature in their own time, they might "mistakenly" come to view the collective as a threat. The Dolt impatiently reminds them that, as far as he's concerned, he's a husband and a father first, and he only agreed to join the Avatars to regain control over those aspects of his life. I'm Not Candy's all, "Yes, yes, we understand, but you'd better zip your goddamned monkey lips about all of this and stop fucking around with our powers before we torch your massive, mouthy ass the way we torched everyone else who annoyed us." Only he's much more soothing about it all. Uniqua and I'm Not Candy fix too-kind smiles on their faces before they flare out. The Dolt sways around absently after their exit, conflicted, or something.

The first hints of dawn color the horizon beyond the city as the camera soars over the old port section before scuttling down into a dank, forbidding alleyway that, yes, is filled with Convenient Shipping Pallets Of Grave Bodily Injury, as we shall soon see. Raige and Phoebe lounge in a gutted, abandoned Humvee convertible -- like, what? -- as they grouch about the lack of both demonic activity and sleep. Piper shushes them, ordering them to maintain focus on the task at hand. Raige and Phoebe greet this bit of instruction with mockery and second-guessing regarding Piper's map calculations. Of course, it's all related to the Dolt's supposedly sneaky behavior as of late, and the three descend into bickering over Piper's refusal to confront the Dolt regarding her suspicions -- suspicions which Phoebe and Raige agree are unfounded. "He's been an angel," Raige opines. "He's been too perfect," Piper counters as she slides into a car seat next to the Feebs, "even for him, and I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop." Piper blathers on about her Issues for another minute or so until Raige rubs her temples and expresses her wish for the demon to attack already, as she's got a "breakfast date" with Li'l Bulging Brody scheduled for later that morning, and she'd like not to be late for it, thank you very much. Ah. Putting your personal life ahead of your responsibilities. Good to know Phoebe's taught you something over the last four years, Raige. Not. The gals babble about whether or not breakfast actually constitutes a date before Phoebe's cell phone chirps. She glances at the caller ID briefly before discarding the phone with a weary sigh. "Avoiding someone?" Piper leads. Phoebe just blinks her eyes by way of response.

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Charmed

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