Trial By Magic

Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | Grade It Now!
Guineas and goombahs and wops, oh my!

Kern & Co. are screwing with my mind. I'm serious. How do I know? Tonight's secret phrase is "secret." Damn them all to Hell.

Manor kitchen. Piper and Raige futz silently with an astonishing array of breakfast goodies before being loudly interrupted by the entrance of Phoebe. She's running late for jury duty and needs to caffeinate. Now. ["God in heaven, does she ever." -- Sars] "Banter" ensues over Phoebe's lack of sleep and her intended vote in what apparently is a capital trial. Phoebe reminds Piper and Raige that she can't discuss the case outside of the courtroom, but allows that her sleeplessness has more to do with a lack of Cole than disturbing nightmares spawned by gruesome crime scene photographs. Cole told Phoebe he "needed some time to find himself and figure out who he was without his demon side," and bolted. I need someone to explain to me why Cole would disappear after Phoebe finally accepted his marriage proposal, and no, a "camping trip" with Darryl is not an acceptable option here. Wouldn't he have ditched the Manor to "find himself" immediately after receiving a vial of Demon Be Gone in his back, rather than waiting around for a month and a half? I understand the juggling of episodes that occurred earlier in the season, what with the producers treading lightly as far as viewers' sensibilities were concerned, but why are they still flipping around the episodes' apparent order this late in the game? The timeline has been screwed so thoroughly by so many people, it's syphilitic.

Anyway, Raige makes an Iron John joke that was doddering its way towards senility back in the '80s while Phoebe guzzles coffee and checks her watch. "Ohmigod. Gotta go," she blurts, and stomps out towards the front door. Piper and Raige skitter after her, attempting a bit slyly to pump her for more information about the trial. Phoebe -- smart enough to see through their wicked, deceptive ways, but still too stupid to get out of jury duty in the first place -- reminds them once again of the injunction against discussing details of the case before a verdict has been rendered. Raige won't take contempt of court or the risk of a mistrial for an answer. Phoebe can trust them with the information, she argues. "Nobody keeps secrets better than us. We are the mistresses of secrets." Oh, Lord. I smell a theme. I don't think I'll be getting too far ahead of myself or this episode if I guess right now that each of the Glamorous Ladies will prove this statement false within the next fifteen minutes. Phoebe, mollified by Raige's sincerity, reveals that "it would be [her] supreme pleasure to send that murdering bastard straight to Hell -- by legal means, not magical." This from the same person who told the fiancée of one of Cole's murder victims that capital punishment in Cole's case would only serve to "keep him from doing future good," so everyone should just ignore his past transgressions. Hypocrisy on Phoebe's part, or stupidity on the writers'? You decide.

Phoebe gathers up her coat and purse and yanks open the front door to reveal Slampiece Glenn striding across the porch. She yodels a quick hello before disappearing down the walk. Raige flings herself into Glenn's arms, wondering what brought him to the Manor. He's just returned from Australia and, having heard of her move, decided to drop by to check up on her. And to skive a free place to stay before he heads to Nepal, apparently. Raige immediately insists that he crash in her room, and hustles him up the stairs. As is her wont, Piper is most displeased. The Ps "don't usually have houseguests, because of all the obvious reasons," Piper notes. Raige argues that they can trust the slampiece to keep his mouth shut. Raige has, after all, known Glenn since kindergarten. Given their sleeping arrangements as of late, this piece of information is decidedly disturbing. Piper attempts to argue, but Raige shuts her down, choosing instead to scamper upstairs to get her some of that grubby twentysomething-backpacker action. Piper slits her eyes as she grinds her teeth into nubby little stumps.

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