Meanwhile, back at the Manor, Big Gay Chris languidly leafs through the Book of Shadows up in the attic, a capped black pen dangling from the corner of his mouth. Of course, he's languidly leafing with a bit of Whitelightery telekinesis, and no, his fluttery fingers couldn't possibly be more fey. Chris eventually lands on the entry for the "Trok Demon," who, interestingly enough, sports a single eye on each of his two heads. I'd transcribe the entry, but this particular beastie's dispatched before the opening credits, so we'll just be moving this along, 'kay? Chris halts the flipping pages, rather suggestively uncaps the pen with his teeth, then scribbles the vanquishing spell on a small pad of paper just as a swirling green portal opens on the far side of the room. The erstwhile Bride Of Riley emerges from the crappy digital overlay to slink across the floor, clad in a low-slung suede miniskirt with a matching midriff-baring boobsling. Appropriate Warrior Princess accessories bedeck her arms and shoulders, and a thin leather headband holds her brittle, bleach-damaged hair as neatly in place as possible. The trampy animal-skin get-up, combined with Ivana Milicevic's protruding Vulcan ears and freakishly wide-set eyes, would make the Bride here perfect Elvish masturbatory fodder for the most discriminating Tolkein fanboy, but she has other matters on her mind. And thank the merciful Lord in Heaven for that.
The Bride touches the jade pendant at her neck to close the crappy green digital overlay just as a startled Big Gay Chris gasps, "Are you out of your mind? What are you doing here?" "Freyja sent me," replies the Bride. "She wants to know what's takink so lonk." Sigh. You can kill the show, but the Lizbot lives on. "Freyja?" Chris repeats, snorting derisively as he saunters over from the Book. "For a mythical character, she sure does worry a lot." I'll go out on a limb here and assume that "mythical character" crack refers to Valkyries. Of course, judging by the episode title, it's as likely that Freyja's a pill-popping, Pucci-clad drunk married to a bisexual slut of a lawyer. And yet, while that scenario certainly would make for an amusing evening on Charmed, it certainly would not make it past the network's Standards and Practices department. I think.