Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part I

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | Grade It Now!
SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part I)

No such luck, for the next shot features the fully Valkyried Ps stepping through the crappy green digital overlay to arrive on the Isle Of Dykes, and Mother of God in Heaven -- some idiot's gelled an upturned, corkscrewed forelock into La Milano's "hair." She looks like Tin Tin. In a fucking miniskirt. With boobs. Are they blind? Is everyone who works on this show blind? They are, aren't they? Jesus. What-EVER! The first half of this dismal, hateful, Satanically evil double episode is almost over, and I haven't the time to screech about hair when there's an absolutely idiotic episode-ending non-cliff non-hanging cliffhanger to recap.

Ooops. Spoiler!

The Valkyried Ps arrive at the bamboo octagon in Stumpy Dolt's lair to greet Bride Of Vaughn, who's lounging on one of the divans with Strap-On and Riley. "We've brought you a warrior," Phoebe halfheartedly begins. Vaughn's not having it. "Why don't I recognize you?" she demands, rising to challenge them. "Perhaps you'll recognize this," Piper states evenly, taking a few steps forward. "A warrior's spirit worthy of Valhalla." Piper uncaps the Vial Of Darryl to release his soul, which presently coagulates on the sand a few paces away. Darryl gapes, because Dorian Gregory's expert at the gaping and such. "Well done," puckers Vaughn as Riley and Strap-On allow the faintest of smiles to flicker across their faces. Piper smirks back knowingly, and we fade to black.

Aaron: Wait. That's it? That's the episode-ending cliffhanger that's supposed to make me want to hang around for another hour? Are they high?
Demian: Like you have to ask.
Aaron: Shit.
Betty Ford: Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothin' but boobies. Who needs 'em?
Demian: She needs help.
Aaron: Agreed.
[Flick. Ahhh.]

Next up: Stumpy the Dolt and Big Gay Chris get reacquainted, Raige meets Joe Millionaire, Phoebe creates a hostile working environment, Piper rides high on the hog, and, deep within the bowels of his grave, Richard Wagner spins like a swastika-emblazoned pinwheel in a hurricane. See you there!

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