Charmed
Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part I

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SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part I)

The Bride touches the jade pendant at her neck to close the crappy green digital overlay just as a startled Big Gay Chris gasps, "Are you out of your mind? What are you doing here?" "Freyja sent me," replies the Bride. "She wants to know what's takink so lonk." Sigh. You can kill the show, but the Lizbot lives on. "Freyja?" Chris repeats, snorting derisively as he saunters over from the Book. "For a mythical character, she sure does worry a lot." I'll go out on a limb here and assume that "mythical character" crack refers to Valkyries. Of course, judging by the episode title, it's as likely that Freyja's a pill-popping, Pucci-clad drunk married to a bisexual slut of a lawyer. And yet, while that scenario certainly would make for an amusing evening on Charmed, it certainly would not make it past the network's Standards and Practices department. I think.

Where the hell was I? Oh, yeah -- this tedious scene. "She's not the only one," the Bride admits, before confessing her own concerns. "He's an Elder, Chris. How much lonker do you really expect us to keep him?" And there go all my hopes for a dead Dolt. Bastards. A bit of clunky expository dialogue confirms Chris "banished" the Dolt to the Bride's realm before the Bride again asks, "How much lonker?" Chris insists the Dolt remain where he is until Chris has "finished what [he] came here to do." He adds that the Glamorous Ladies cannot be allowed to find the Dolt before Chris "is ready, or else…" "I know," interrupts the Bride a bit wearily. "We all understand the risks." "I'd never hurt you, Mist," Chris smooves as he sidles on up to her, and I don't know where the hell to start with that, but why don't I try here: "Mist"? Ew! We'll be sticking with "Bride Of Riley" for the duration, thanks all the same. And as for the ludicrous notion that Big Gay Chris would ever put the moves on any entity of the female persuasion: NOT. Pull the other one, Kern. Jackhole.

Christ, I hate this show.

ANY-way, the pointy-eared tart lowers her gaze a bit sadly and counters that Big Gay Chris would indeed hurt her if it served his agenda. Fortunately, Piper chooses this moment to bellow from the landing below, so after a palpably uncomfortable kiss between Milicevic and Fuller, the Bride summons the crappy green digital overlay and vanishes. "Hey!" Piper perks as she enters the room toting a basket. "Do you have any laundry?" Chris, skeeved that his lips actually touched those of a cootie-laden girl, distractedly mutters "no" as he crosses back to the Book. "I'm gonna get your sisters," he calls as Piper bustles towards the door. "We've got another demon to vanquish." "Okey-dokey!" she smiles before disappearing into the hall.

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Charmed

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