Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part I

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Demian: D+ | Grade It Now!
SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part I)

Raige frantically darts back onto the sun porch to assure Big Gay Chris that everything will be fine, just as Tiny Gay Chris starts in with the wailing. Big Chris and Raige glance over in time to catch Tiny Chris making with the orbing telekinesis to yank a pacifier from another child's mouth and place it in his own. God, that's unsanitary. Raige gawps for a moment, then snatches the child up to scry once more for the Dolt, perhaps remembering the last time Tiny Gay Chris made with the orbing.

Meanwhile, Phoebe jiggles through the front door, the NIPPLES all a-titter over that potentially exciting new power of hers, and barrels straight into the front parlor to startle her brain-wiped sister. Piper leaps to her feet, her horrified eyes bulging in terror at the artificially endowed freak with the dykey hair. After some endless vamping, Phoebe reminds the clearly clueless Piper of Father Thomas -- and yes, I had to look that up -- before grandly stating, "I am an empath." "That's my new power," adds the bubbly Feebs, "or at least, an advancement of my premonition power." It'd best be an advancement, you hateful, undeserving harpy. You're already one up on Piper in the power department, and if you've just blown on to your third long before Piper's moved past molecular manipulation, a horde of angry forum posters'll be battling each other for the pleasure of ramming a spike through your ear. And I can't say I'd blame them.

Rrrrgh. Anyway, Big Gay Chris arrives to fill Feebs in on the whole brain-melting thing. Phoebe pauses, then clomps past her nephew to smack up the redheaded stepchild of the family. However, Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in the instant violence threatening to erupt on the sun porch, and the Feebs abruptly consoles Raige instead. She can sense Raige's overwhelming remorse, don't you know. Oy. We're barely forty minutes into the season, and this new power's already giving me a rash. Raige, incidentally, is perched on one of the wrought-iron chairs with Tiny Gay Chris on her knee. While Phoebe and Big Chris hiss and scratch at each other, Raige's scrying crystal lingers over the world map for a moment before slamming down in the middle of the Indian Ocean. "I think we just found [the Dolt]!" Raige enthuses. "We?" Phoebe dimly repeats. "[Tiny Gay Chris] and me," Raige elaborates. You see, she tapped into Tiny Chris's connection with his bloated Dolt of a deadbeat dad to nail down said deadbeat's location. Raige returns Tiny Chris to the playpen, then prepares to orb off to South Asia with the Feebs. Desperate to maintain his secrets, Big Gay Chris protests mightily, but it's of no use. Phoebe and Raige orb out of there right after Raige orders Big Chris to return her dogs to their proper owners. Frustrated, Big Gay Chris boots one of the rugrats' chewtoys into the windows. Tiny Gay Chris promptly deploys his shimmering blue force field. "If anyone should be protecting himself," Big Chris sneers, "it's me from you." DUN! Well, not really, but we're two-thirds of the way through the first hour, and I've yet to deploy the DUN! Here seems as good a place as any.

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