Charmed
Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part II

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SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part II)

Previously on Charmed: Whatever.

Darryl, who's been corporealized during the commercial break, skids face-first across the sandy floor of Stumpy the Dolt's bamboo octagon. The Valkyrie who shoved him flings a shield and a broadsword into the cage, then sprinkles some sparkly lavender mojo on the door. Over in the lowest row of the peanut gallery, Raige and Tin Tin spout words of encouragement while Piper eyes them with something approximating suspicion. Or maybe it's boredom. Who can tell at this point? Stumpy the Dolt enters the ring, and despite his stupid Greek helmet, you can tell he's as shocked and appalled by Phoebe's hair as the rest of us are. Or maybe he's just surprised to see the old folks from home on the Isle Of Dykes. It could go either way. "Okay," Raige too-loudly whispers to the Feebs, "I know how we're going to save [Stumpy], but how are we gonna save Morris?" "I have no idea," Tin Tin confesses. "That's why they call it 'winging it.'" Piper leans forward to ask, "What are you two talking about?" Phoebe brightly lies, "Nothing!" which elicits a sullen glare from Bride Of Strap-On. Meanwhile, Stumpy and Darryl have been warily circling each other. "What are you waiting for?" screams Bride Of Vaughn. "Attack!" Darryl obediently slams his broadsword against the Dolt's head with enough force to dislodge the stupid Greek helmet and send Stumpy spinning into the bars. Piper catches sight of his face and bleats, "[Dolt]?" Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, alerting her to the fact that Piper's "pain" "is back again." "Do something!" she hisses at Raige. Raige thinks fast and catches Darryl's eye. "Kill him!" she perks. Yes! Kill the Dolt! Kill the Dolt! Whee!

Doesn't happen. Stumpy and Darryl kick and hack at each other for a bit before angrily tussling to the ground and rolling around in the sand. The Dolt manages to straddle poor Darryl -- yes, it's every bit as disgusting as it sounds -- and hisses, "Take the fall!" Darryl's all, "The hell?" so the Dolt head-butts him. Darryl decides he's over this whole bullshit scenario and drops his baby 'fro into the dirt. Stumpy leaps to his feet and makes with the triumphant and manly fist-pumping. Get over yourself, you simpering little pantywaist. The Brides Of Vaughn, Strap-On, and Riley are visibly displeased, so Raige launches into a hastily improvised apology for wasting their time "with such a weak warrior," and wonders if Vaughn would like her to "get rid of him" by banishing his spirit to the afterlife. Vaughn whatevers and rises to take her leave with Strap-On and Riley. As the other Valkyries in attendance file out of the chamber, Piper hustles over to the bamboo cage, gets all up in Stumpy's grill, and howls, "You left me, didn't you?" The Dolt responds by allowing a vapid, slack-jawed expression to cover his mug. At Tin Tin's prompting, Raige flings a vial of something or other at the cage's door, which emits a brief burst of smoke before swinging open. Stumpy collects Darryl from the sand and races out of the cave. Piper follows him with her eyes, her fury growing with each passing second.

Out in the open, Stumpy glances around for a moment before giving the Valkyried Ps the all clear. Just as Raige prepares to open up a crappy green digital overlay in the nearby underbrush, Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band boots Tin Tin in the kidneys. The Feebs immediately doubles over in agony as the enraged Piper storms onto the path. "It's Piper!" Phoebe gasps, gripping Raige's arm for support. "Her heart is breaking." Stumpy crosses to the ex and promises to explain everything once they get home. For now, though, they need to focus on getting the hell off the island. "'Home'?" Piper shrieks. "We don't have a home! You left us!" "I had no choice!" he insists, and then gets fresh with the exposition. "I became an [ever-useless] Elder. It's not something I wanted -- it's something that just happened." "Yeah, see, I know all of this," Piper snots. "Why didn't I remember it?" Why can't I forget it? We all have our problems, Piper. Suck it up and deal already. The Dolt clues her in on the golden glowy mojo he deployed in last season's finale, justifying his actions by pointing out that Piper's "anger almost destroyed a city" and that her "pain almost destroyed [her]." It doesn't matter -- Piper's totally not having it, and, struggling to hold back a sudden rush of tears as the full implications of the Dolt's betrayal wash over her, she waveringly bleats, "So you took my feelings away?" Damn, but she's good when the mood strikes her. With that one line, she just out-acted everything that came before this point from everyone else in the cast. She needs to bail on this mess along with Rose McGowan. Especially if the wardrobe department continues to insist on making her seem so hippy. Of all the miniskirted and boobslinged women in this episode, she easily looks the worst. I don't know if it's because she's short-waisted or what, but in that Valkyriewear, Holly's backside is as broad as a barn. Not good.

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