Charmed
Vaya Con Leos

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Dolt, Be Not Proud

Anyway, long story short, Piper insists that The Angel Of Teasley level with them -- is there a way the Charmed Ones might reach their foreseen destiny without sacrificing Frankendolt? The Angel Of Teasley's eyes flip golden yellow for a moment -- during which she's either peering into the future or contacting her fellow angels, your choice -- before they snap back and she lays the following bit of science on the Glamorous Ladies' asses: "There's one more battle on the horizon for you three, one unlike you've ever faced before. One you won't see coming, and one" -- here she pauses for effect -- "you may not survive." Piper's all, "And this involves my massive Dolt of a husband...how, exactly?" The Angel Of Teasley patiently explains that the budgetary restrictions imposed upon the series by the suits at the WB as a condition for its renewal this season have forced Brad Kern to choose between Kaley Cuoco and Brian Krause, and Kern -- foul, Satanic jackass that he is -- went with the lispy bimbo. Or maybe The Angel Of Teasley offers the following harebrained excuse: "The loss -- the pain -- will motivate you to fight, without which you will have no chance to prevail." And here's where the Piper we've known up to now would call bullshit on the entire plan and flatly refuse to go along with it. Unfortunately, the typewriting crackmonkeys responsible for this garbage have chosen instead to gift us with the sniveling, spineless wretch we now see before us. Thanks for nothing, assholes. Phoebe thinks fast and comes up with a compromise, because she's so smart. The screen flares white once more to escort us back...

...into the Underworld, and I'll be ignoring the unbearably lispy and crooked-mouthed Bimbo to get to the point, such as it is. The Dolt's to be entombed in one of Burke's cryogenic storage containers until the Manor Morons win their impending battle. Just go with it, 'cause this dire shit is almost over with, and I don't think I can take my head exploding one more time this evening. The Angel Of Teasley summons Frankendolt from The Only Hospital In San Francisco, apparently healing him along the way. Oh, and restoring to him the clothes he was wearing prior to the accident, as well. This stupid show. There follows a lengthy and teary goodbye that Holly Marie Combs again sells to hell and back, but about which I could not care less at this point, because -- again -- I've seen this exact same scene seventy-three times already on this awful, evil show that should have been cancelled last May. After it's over, Burke futzes with his Superman crystals, and we have now achieved Doltsicle. Everyone looks very, very sad. The Angel Of Teasley takes a moment to assure The Retarded Bimbo that the latter will succeed in recovering that stupid sister of hers that nobody cares about, before reminding Piper, "If you prevail, [the Dolt] will be returned." And with that, she erupts into a buzzing swarm of tiny golden lights that morphs into darting swirl of mojo that dematerializes the Doltsicle on its way up through the ceiling. The Glamorous Ladies regroup with The Retarded Bimbo, who never should have been a part of this scene in the first place, and after Piper bleats a heartbroken, "Let's go home," Raige pulls them all into a Manor-bound cloud of orbs.

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Charmed

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