Vaya Con Leos

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Demian: C- | Grade It Now!
Dolt, Be Not Proud

The screen flares white to dump us down in Burke's Underworld lair, and this certainly is an unnecessary scene given everything that's going on topside this evening. Shame, actually, because the effects are fairly decent, and Darren Pettie is certainly having a grand old time growling his way through Burke's lines, but whatever. Long story short, Burke's a sort of demonic middleman whose services were employed by some "far more powerful force" years ago to arrange for the kidnapping of the stupid Retard's stupid sister that nobody cares about. He contracted the job out to Reinhardt, who violated the terms of the agreement by more or less admitting his role in the caper to The Retard herself, and so Reinhardt must suffer. Or something like that. Burke's got a nifty little magical crystal set-up that's more than slightly reminiscent of Superman's up in the latter's Fortress of Solitude, by the way, and he's inserted and activated one crystal to ensnare Reinhardt within an invisible force field upon a low dais for this bout of expository blather. As Burke ambles menacingly around Reinhardt's trapped form, we can also see that he's got five or six entities on ice in elaborate cryogenic chambers lined up against the cavern's far wall -- "others who didn't do as they were told" who are now Burke's "living trophies," so we can see where he's going with all of this, right? And eventually, he gets there, slotting another crystal into its appropriate hole and twisting it to flash-freeze Reinhardt in his very own magically materializing cryogenic chamber. The screen flares white once more to zap us back to...

...the nonexistent attic, where The Retarded Bimbo's Book of Shadows abuse has landed her on Burke's entry. It's a little too blurry for me to read, but it does seem to include a vanquishing spell. Just so you know. A solemnly contemplative Feebs enters from the upper stairs to be assaulted almost immediately by The Retard's lispy enthusiasm, and shut up, Retard. Phoebe's inclined to agree with me, so I'll be ignoring The Retard's selfishly outraged tirade about needing to find her stupid sister that nobody cares about RIGHT NOW and to hell with the Dolt to note that they're pulling that same ultra-soft-focus-for-Milano, ultra-harsh-focus-for-everyone-else-in-the-scene they last used to hilarious effect in "Sand Francisco Dreaming." Oddly enough, it's not nearly as funny this time around, mainly because the ultra-harsh focus is hitting the already obnoxiously fugly Kaley Cuoco, who needs to be fired from this hateful show immediately. Stupid Retard ruins everything. Long story short, Phoebe gently insists that she can't abandon her own family to assist The Retard in the latter's boring quest given everything that's going on at the moment, so the unbearable Retard shrills something unpleasant and clomps out of the nonexistent room to go after her stupid sister's kidnapper alone. I hope she dies.

Meanwhile, down in the Bridal Boudoir, the Dolt's pacing the floor in a fury, grunting, "Why didn't you tell me? You don't think I have a right to know?" Piper, perched on her hope chest at the foot of the bed, splutters an excuse that the Dolt ignores in favor of launching himself into a massive pity party. "You're not going to [die]," Piper insists. "I'm not going to let it happen." "How, huh?" he demands incredulously. "By hexing every man so he looks like me? It's not gonna stop him!" "That wasn't the plan!" Piper agitates, leaping to her feet. "I'm scared, too!" This admission snaps the Dolt out of it, and the two move in for a clinch. There follows a lengthy scene during which Piper increasingly loses control of her emotions, and Holly Marie Combs sells the hell out of it, but I swear to God this is, like, the fifteenth time the Dolt's been imperiled in the last seven and a half years, and I just can't be bothered to care anymore. Not that I cared too much about the character in the first place, of course, but you can see my point. You can't have the guy nearly die as a Whitelighter three or four times, and you can't have the guy as an Elder abandoning his family five or six times, and you can't have the guy as an Avatar sacrificing himself only to pop back to life after it's all over, and still expect me to get all antsy about this shit now. I don't even feel like digging up the appropriate links. Whatever, show. In any event, Piper tears up and vows to protect him, but she stresses that he must remain in the Manor until they've sorted the situation out. Which of course means the stupid Dolt will leave the Manor on some asinine mission in the next ten minutes and get his stupid self killed. Again. Oy. Piper books from the Boudoir, leaving the Dolt alone to pout and feel sorry for himself.

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