P3 After Dark. We get an endless series of shots of gyrating white yuppies, followed by a cut to a nebbishy, chipmunk-faced twentysomething leaning against the bar. I'll call him Alvin until told otherwise. Piper pokes her head out from behind a purple drapery to eye him. "What's up with the 'hide-and-go-peek'?" perks Phoebe from behind her sister. Piper tells Phoebe that Alvin is "still staring" at her. Phoebe evaluates Alvin briefly and tells Piper, "That's not staring. That's flirting." "You say to-may-to," Piper replies and turns to retake her place on the Grams Halliwell Memorial Club Loveseat. Phoebe teases Piper a bit about the apparently love-struck Alvin, but Piper shuts her down, reminding Phoebe that the Dolt has already beat Alvin -- or any other twentysomething nebbish for that matter -- to Piper's exclusive cookie jar. Piper, as usual, looks sleekly conservative in this evening's club wear. Phoebe, as usual, looks like a nitwit. Her dyed locks are curled and teased up into a 'do reminiscent of Angela Lansbury's from her days as Mrs. Lovett in Sweeney Todd, and it looks like she stole her jacket from the section of the Grease wardrobe truck reserved for the Pink Ladies. I want to promise I'll not make another musical theater reference for the remainder of this recap, but I know myself too well. The previews for tonight's episode already tossed me into a couple Annie flashbacks.
Prue bounds up at that moment, her unfettered boobs jiggling lewdly beneath her backless, strapless wrap top. Prue "need[s] some professional help," and if you ask me, professional help for Prue is long overdue. Start with an image consultant, hon. You're in desperate need of some assistance with that wardrobe of yours. Prue asks for Piper's DJ. Piper replies that he's on break at the moment, and wonders what Prue wants from him. Prue explains that she has a song stuck in her head, which she finds is immensely irritating. I can sympathize, because I've had "It's a Hard Knock Life" stuck in mine ever since I typed that bit about the Annie flashbacks above. Phoebe sympathizes as well, noting she had "the theme song from The Facts of Life stuck in [her] head for three years." Thanks for nothing, Phoebe. "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have…" I'm in a pre-adolescent female hell right now. Anyway, Prue hopes that the DJ will be able to identify the tune. Piper suggests that Prue sing it for her sisters, as she and Phoebe might be able to recognize it. After a bit of hesitation, Prue hums out a tuneless series of notes. Piper is of no help, and Phoebe suggests Prue try it again, this time with "more oomph," "choreography," and Piper backing Prue up with "a little old-school beat box." This isn't Popstars, you dimwit. Although going from Pamie's description of the outfits some of those would-be "superstahs" were wearing in the premiere, neither Prue nor Phoebe would be out of place on that show, given their current get-ups. Prue snits that she knew her sisters would be no help and heads off in search of the DJ.
Piper and a smirking Phoebe jump up from the sofa to follow Prue, and stop her at the bar. Piper hands Prue an invitation they've received from Justin Harper, last week's convertible-driving slab of manmeat for Prue. It seems he would be honored by the presence of the three Halliwells at his family's annual barbecue. Phoebe thinks this would be fun, but Prue begs to differ. As she and Justin are still in the "flirtatious banter stage" of their relationship, Prue feels that meeting his entire family at this point might be counterproductive. Phoebe asks Prue if that's the only reason Prue has for avoiding the Harpers' party, wondering if the problem is really Prue's aversion to the idea of a "big family gathering." Prue tells her sisters they shouldn't bother playing the "Prue-has-parental-issues card," and Piper replies that while all of them find it difficult to see intact families in action, they shouldn't waste their time trying to avoid such situations. Contrivance calls from Sars's apartment in New York City, where he's taken up residence for the remainder of the current television season, and apologizes for not being able to make it to Chicago to guide me through this episode. I thank him for his unwarranted concern, reassure him that I'm perfectly capable of seeing through this tiresome sham without his help, tell him he really should be helping out with the housework while he's staying there, and hang up. Prue tells her sisters the only problem she has at the moment is the damn song spinning through her head, dismissively hands the invitation back to Piper, and resumes her search for the DJ.