Spooky graphics materialize in the darkness of my television screen as Rose McGowan intones, "Previously on Charmed." The hell? Whatever. If I'm spared the usual endlessly awkward exchanges of expository banter because of this nearly unprecedented use of a "previously" segment, it's fine by me. So, previously on Charmed, Elise Rothman, Girl Editor ordered Phoebe to haul her bony ass and dykey haircut to Hong Kong, Slampiece Buttfuck urged Raige to move into Castle Montanague, LesBianca and Big Gay Chris bitched at each other, the audience learned that Big Gay Chris is not The Doltine Psycho all grown up, the audience also learned that The Doltine Psycho eventually becomes the power-mad and oddly hot Mangy Jesus, LesBianca got sporked, Big Gay Chris trapped himself in the past, and the Glamorous Ladies went their separate ways.
In a spare lumber warehouse, Piper -- who's wearing multiple layers of loose-fitting clothing under a massive scarf to hide the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, like, fourteen months pregnant -- twiddles her thumbs and idly shifts her weight from one leg to the other as an irritated Big Gay Chris paces impatiently behind her. "She's supposed to be here by now," Big Chris grumbles. Seems Raige was to join them for a vanquish and has yet to appear. It also seems this is not the first time that's happened in the last month or so. Raige, according to Chris, has been slacking off on her "responsibilities as a Charmed One" ever since she moved out of the Manor, and as a result, Piper's had to handle "the last four vanquishes" by herself. Chris, sweetie? Piper's got another sister, you know, and if the fucking moron in question hadn't hauled her hag ass halfway across the planet to shack up with her tedious boss, Piper wouldn't have had to deal with all these problems alone. Needless to say, however, there will be no criticism of Phoebe this evening. At least, not from Big Gay Chris or Piper. Chris, incidentally, is togged in a fetching light blue shirt featuring a very prominent "2" over his heart. Make of it what you will. And what you will make of it is that Big Gay Chris is The Doltine Psycho's little brother. Because I said so.
Big Gay Chris rants some more about how his mom never should have let Raige and Phoebe move out of the Manor. Piper wearily pivots to face him and tells him to zip it. She has no complaints, she claims, and she's happy for her sisters. "You should be, too," she chides, before cutting to the chase and asking for the skinny on the demon of the week. Big Chris replies that no one knows the demon's name, and adds that the creature is too powerful for Piper to vanquish by herself. Detective Darryl chooses this moment to poke his head through the door and snit, "How much longer is this going to take?" At least another fifty-nine minutes, according to the clock on my VCR. Thanks for making me look, asswipe. Piper glances briefly at Darryl while instructing Chris to fetch the Feebs. As Chris obediently orbs up through the ceiling, Darryl snots, "Where's he going?" Upon hearing the answer, Darryl splutters, "This is the last time I work crowd control for you guys!" before ducking back out the door. Dude, I don't know why you're even talking to them after they killed you in the first damn episode of the season, so whatever. Also: Shut up.
Big Gay Chris presently orbs back in with an ebullient Feebs, who flings her arms in the air, squeals, and smothers Piper in a great big hug. I have to admit, she's looking pretty sharp in that sleek, plum-colored, embroidered silk Chinese-style garment she's sporting. The hair's still ass, though, so I can keep hating her. She also presents Piper with an origami tiger she'd been working on when Chris arrived, like, wrong Asian country, you fucknut. And then, just to piss me off even more, she busts out the following when Piper apologizes for dragging her back to San Francisco: "It's okay. 'If you don't enter the tiger's cave, you may never get the cub,' right?" Blow it out your ass, dimwit. And The Sprightly Mandolin Of Ancient Chinese Secrets can blow it out its ass, too. Piper and Chris apparently agree with me, for they shoot the Feebs some supremely foul side-eyes before Chris peeves, "Can we get the show on the road, here?"