Over in the bedroom, I'm not seeing any vigorous stomping of Phoebe's pelvis, so I am forced to assume that the little people in my television set are ignoring me again. Stupid little TV people. After stroking the monstrous white teddy bear The Sole bought her when she realized she was knocked up, Phoebe crosses to the bathroom door. She opens it, and is immediately yanked head-first through a blazing white portal into The Chamber Of D'Eartha down in Hell. Darryl latches onto her ankles while screaming for Piper's assistance. Meanwhile, D'Eartha strides over to Phoebe, purring, "I've been waiting for you." Phoebe snarls at her to make like a tree. D'Eartha snarls right back, "I only want what is mine!" I don't like the sound of that. D'Eartha yanks mightily on Phoebe's arm. Back in the bedroom, Piper and Raige have joined Darryl's side in this tug-of-war over the contents of Phoebe's uterus. Would that the sides would rip Phoebe in two. No such luck. Phoebe snatches one of D'Eartha's dangly earrings, tearing it and the lobe to which it's attached from D'Eartha's head. D'Eartha roars in pain and releases Phoebe's arm. Phoebe shoots back into the bedroom, knocking everyone to the floor. She passes the earlobe to a visibly horrified Piper with a casual, "Here's your tissue sample." We cut to commercial before Piper hurls her breakfast directly into Phoebe's face.
Manor kitchen. Raige futzes at the center island with the vanquish ingredients as Piper prepares a little fruit plate for the Feebs. She suggests that Raige remain in the kitchen, where she will not "provoke" the Phoetus. Raige bitches about this for a little while, then shuts up and gets back to work.
Piper emerges into the dining room to find Phoebe pressing headphones against her stomach as a CD of Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik spins around in a portable player. Phoebe's trying "to bring out [the Phoetus's] peaceful nature" with the music. Piper's aghast at her sister's abject stupidity. They natter about prenatal care as Phoebe picks a wedge of watermelon from the plate. It morphs into a slice of raw steak. Mmmm. Steak. Piper bats the meat out of Phoebe's hand right before Phoebe shoves it into her yammering maw. They actually make Holly Marie Combs deliver the line, "Maybe your baby would prefer to listen to Ozzy." Oh, Holly. How I weep bitter, bloody tears for you. Just one more episode, and you can put all of this bullshit behind you. For three months. Unless you piss off Alyssa, of course, and then it will be forever.