Charmed
Womb Raider

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Get Shortie

The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. The Dolt escorts Phoebe into a waiting area as she baby-talks at the Phoetus, promising to "eat a huge tri-tip tonight" if the brat behaves himself. Darryl greets them, expositing that "Inspector Miles [is] trained to spot a liar, so [Phoebe should] just answer his questions as honestly as [she] can." This reeks already.

Inspector Miles quizzes Phoebe about Cole's disappearance. She claims that they had a fight a week ago over her sisters, and then Cole up and vanished, taking with him all of his clothing and personal belongings. Miles wonders if Cole ever became abusive. The Phoetus telekinetically drops a shelf of books onto Miles's head. Grant me the serenity not to put my foot through the TV screen. Phoebe whispers at her stomach to get a grip as Darryl and the Dolt help Miles retrieve the books from the floor. Phoebe then rises to advise the good inspector not to talk trash about her man in her presence. Miles mutters, "I'm sorry, but I have to call them like I see them. You turn up pregnant, and he takes off? Your husband fits the classic profile of a deadbeat dad." Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of shitty TV, I shall fear no evil, for Thou art with me. Miles bends over to pick up some more books. Phoebe's hand flames up of its own accord, ready to barbecue the inspector's shlubby ass. Darryl and the Dolt hiss. Phoebe turns her back on the men, spies a handy wastebasket, and flips the ball of flame into the trash. General mayhem follows. My God, my God. Why have you forsaken me? Bastard. The scene thankfully screeches to a long-overdue halt when the Phoetus starts kicking field goals in Phoebe's business. Phoebe exits with the Dolt.

Manor parlor. Piper gets some Very Bad News over the phone from Gyno-Man.

Manor kitchen. Piper wanders in, oblivious to Raige's chipper attempts at banter, and slides into a chair. At Raige's prompting, Piper notes that while she considered binding the Phoetus's powers, there's no way to do so without binding Phoebe's as well. And this is a terrible loss…how, exactly? The power of premonition really isn't all that, and something tells me they can do without Phoebe yodeling through the air for a few months as well. Never mind. It's all just a set-up so that Piper can deliver the bomb she received on the phone. As she suspected, her uterus is, indeed, broken. Too much scar tissue from numerous demonic blows to the abdomen have rendered Piper's insides a rocky place where the Dolt's seed can find no purchase. Piper quite naturally gets weepy about the whole thing, and mentions the child she met during her jaunt to the future. If I cared, I'd toss her own argument about what she saw in the future right back into her face. Raige commiserates for a while before the conversation is interrupted by the yowling of a Dolt in the front hall.

Piper and Raige race out of the kitchen to find the Dolt propping Phoebe up against his body in the hallway. He tells them Phoebe's "getting worse," and adds that all his attempts to heal her have failed. Phoebe shoves him away to claw at her head. The nimbus of flame erupts from her hair. Again. Heh. Hate the Phoebangs, honey, and your baby does, too. Nyeaah. Phoebe drops to the floor, groaning and gripping her stomach. Piper pushes Raige out of the room and orders the Dolt to fetch Phoebe some ice water or something. Action Dolt scampers off to the kitchen as Piper kneels behind Phoebe, rocking her in her arms and urging her to breathe through the pain. Lurch decides to flare into the hallway at this moment, and Raige calls out a warning. Piper attempts to blow him up, but nothing happens. The Dolt barrels back into the dining room, grabs a chair, and hurls it at Lurch's chest. The chair disappears into Lurch's body. Lurch turns to Phoebe and moans, "You can't run away from me. I'll always find you." He stretches a bony hand her way as Raige darts out from her hiding place. "Phoebe!" she shouts. "I'll orb you out of here!" Phoebe, of course, boots Raige in the stomach, sending her flying backwards into Lurch. Raige vanishes into his body, and he flares out of the Manor. Phoebe gasps for the fifteenth time in the last thirty-three minutes, "That was the baby. I couldn't control him." Shut it, git. Commercial.

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Charmed

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