You know, I had the damnedest time getting this recap started, and I couldn't figure out why. Tonight's episode was pretty straightforward, after all. Isis's ancient demonic boy toy swipes Phoebe's body to house the spirit of his goddess, and wacky hijinks ensue. Simple, right? Then it hit me: If Adrian Paul (Hewitt) is Isis's boy toy, he must be Osiris. And that means The Highlander is dickless.
Oh, hello, DemonCam On Crack. How I've missed you during the two months this show's been in reruns. The DemonCam whisks us along the city waterfront, pauses just long enough to take in Detective Darryl's sporty little sedan squealing to a halt atop a hill, then dumps us in the parlor of a tastefully-appointed apartment, presumably somewhere nearby. Tonight's guest demon bursts through the door, toting in his arms a blonde who won't make it past the opening credits. The high angle from which Adrian Paul (Hewitt) is being filmed does him no favors, by the way. He appears to be shorter than Tom Cruise. And what's with those auburn highlights in his hair? And while we're trashing your hair and make-up, I should probably tell you to ease up on that eyeliner there, buddy. Ew. Dickless drops his blonde onto the sofa while screaming, "Where is it?" For a brief moment, I think he's looking for his manhood. But no -- it seems the demonic pair are in need of a crystal. The blonde waves a languid hand in the general direction of the armoire against the opposite wall. Adrian Paul (Hewitt) lunges for the thing and knocks various goblets and candles to the carpet before snatching up a scrying crystal and a map. He plunges back towards the blonde, panting, "Don't die on me yet -- not before we find you another body." His accent is oddly lower-middle-class London during this scene, but I suppose I should thank the good Lord he's not attempting Egyptian. Adrian Paul (Hewitt) presses the crystal into the blonde's hand, ordering her to find another witch before her current body dies. The blonde weakly dangles the crystal over the map. Eventually, the crystal slams down on a set of as-yet-unspecified coordinates. Scrying complete, the blonde emits what the captioning defines as her "[dying gasp]" and slumps forward onto Adrian Paul (Hewitt)'s shoulder. Adrian Paul (Hewitt) mumbles some sweet nothings into her unconscious ear, then roughly slings her backwards onto the couch as wailing sirens announce the arrival of Detective Darryl's backup outside. The Dickless Highlander ambles over to the window to watch Darryl chamber a round in his pistol, and mutters, "Like moths to a flame." That line makes so little sense, it didn't even register the first time I watched this episode. And now I've gone and wasted precious bandwidth transcribing it. Shut up, Dickless.