Charmed
Y Tu Mummy También

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Y Tu Mammaries También

Manor. In the dining room, Raige scries fruitlessly for the Feebs as the Dolt tries and fails to locate her with his Whitelighter spidey-sense. Or Lo-Jack. Or whatever the hell that stupid power of his is. During this, Piper bitches up a storm about her useless companions before Darryl interrupts via the telephone to fill them in on the coroner's demise and the mummy's disappearance. Long story short, Darryl's superiors blame him for Mr. (Hewitt)'s pre-credits escape from the long arm of the law, and Darryl's prospects for a promotion grow dimmer by the minute. Piper curtly cuts the call short, promising to do what she can for him later. Darryl stares at his cell in disbelief. Meanwhile, the Dolt notes that he could possibly help Darryl out, but doing so would involve bending a few Whitelighter rules. Piper's all, knock yourself out, Dolt. She and Raige will concentrate on finding the Feebs while the Dolt plays cops and robbers with the good detective.

An abrupt cut away from the Manor, followed by a slow pan over a few dusty outcroppings of rock, lands us in the middle of some tawdry stock footage of the pyramids at Giza. Those of you on the forums who write of toasting marshmallows on the banks of Denial should take this as a shout-out. Somewhere beneath the sand, (Hewitt) slings the unconscious Feebs onto a gold-toned table in the center of a well-preserved crypt. A lapis scarab identical to the trinket from earlier rests between the Fun Bags. The blonde's mummified remains lie on an adjacent table. (Hewitt) stands between the two, stretches out his arms like he's Jesus, and intones, "Khet mastaba hotep ka." (Translation: "Milano's going to suck as 'Isis.'") A reddish flare shoots from the blonde's remains into Phoebe's scarab, and the Feebs gasps and squeals herself awake. (Hewitt) whispers, "Welcome back, my love," and kisses her on the lips while stroking her hair. Despite (Hewitt)'s best efforts, there exists zero chemistry between the two actors. Surprise!

Casa Del Cole. Get ready for some fun. Raige and Piper step off the elevator into the shattered remains of the Casa, only to be greeted by a mighty Flaming Ball Of Death. The gals duck, and the FBOD ricochets off a mirror to plow back into the demon of the Casa himself. Cole lets out a roaring wail as gouts of flame envelop his body. After a moment, the flames snuff themselves out. Manic and smoking, Julian McMahon offers the meta-statement, "Dammit. Still here." Whee! Piper collects herself and suggests that Cole look into therapy. "I'd rather chop my head off than have it examined," he replies, crossing off "Ricocheting Flaming Balls Of Death" on his Big List Of Ways To Get Me Off This Godforsaken Show. He stops short and mutters, "Hey! That's an idea!" Cole makes a sweeping gesture with his hand, and a guillotine swoops down into the middle of the room from somewhere above. "I can't wait to see how I survive this," he giggles, eyes flashing. By the way, Cole's in dire need of a haircut and a shave, but I'll be damned if he doesn't still look pretty tasty. I need help. Cole practically skips over to the guillotine and arranges himself on the backboard facing the ceiling. Raige moves to leave, but Piper holds her in place while explaining their latest predicament to the insane man in the chopper. Cole raises a finger at Piper to shut her up, summons a basket to catch his head should the guillotine work as promised, then tells Piper to roll it up real tight and cram it. In so many words. Cole reclines once more and releases the blade. Piper rolls her eyes and freezes the mechanism. Cole groans and whines, "Can't you at least let me not die in peace?" Piper again requests his assistance, this time mentioning "Jeric" by name. Cole's ears perk up a bit at this, and he rises from the guillotine to plaster the gals with some more exposition. Seems (Hewitt)'s enemies in ancient Egypt hadn't the power to vanquish him, so they mummified him instead. "Isis" freed him and was "flayed alive, if memory serves" for her trouble. Ever since, (Hewitt)'s been wracked with grief. Raige hmmms that the story's sort of romantic, save for the whole offing-of-random-witches bit. "He's just a guy trying to get his love back," Cole deadpans. "Nothing wrong with that." The gradual destruction of your character over the last twenty-odd episodes would belie that assertion, my man, but hey, don't bother listening to me. I'm just the recapper, right? Cole distractedly notes that (Hewitt)'s the sort of demon Cole himself could work with, and wordlessly smears away after much wriggling of animated eyebrows. Raige slings a commiserating arm across Piper's shoulders and sighs, "I think you just made a bad thing worse."

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Charmed

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