Y Tu Mummy También

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | Grade It Now!
Y Tu Mammaries También

Back at the Manor, Piper drops out of a wormhole that appears on the parlor ceiling and crashes onto one of the couches. "Hey!" she yowls at the air.

Crypt. Decapitation Barbie passes out, (Hewitt) instructs the audience to worship his nose hairs, (Hewitt)'s marauding horde of hungry CGI bandages encases Alyssa for the remainder of the episode, and a great cry of rejoicing rises up across the land. (Hewitt) then places matching scarabs on the women's chests, stretches out his arms, and repeats his earlier intonation. Though, of course, the inflection is slightly different this time around, so the phrase now translates as "McGowan has to be better in the role, right?" Raige awakens. "Welcome back, my love," (Hewitt) murmurs with a decided lack of originality before planting a sloppy wet one on Raige's lips. I am pleased to report that Adrian Paul (Hewitt) and Rose McGowan appear to be savoring a mutual enjoyment of the liplock. Meanwhile, Psycho Cole hovers over Phoebe's mummified remains for a moment before vanishing into a spate of commercials.

Manor sunporch. Piper paces fitfully, screaming for the Dolt. In orbs the Dolt(witt), clad in an orange prison jumpsuit. Damn. Where's Vern Schillinger now that we really need him? The Dolt(witt) dolts a doltish grin while wiggling his eyebrows, so Piper blows him up. The Dolt(witt) dissolves into an explosive cloud of orbs before congealing back into Dolt(witt) form on the other side of the room. "What'd ya do that for?" he grunts, flailing his arms around. Piper shoots him the suspicious side-eye. The Dolt(witt) apologizes and de-glamours into Famous Original Dolt form. Thus endeth the entertaining Dolt-related portion of the evening. There are plenty of tedious Dolt-related portions coming up, though, so you'll want to be sure to stick around. Not. The Dolt fills Piper in on his madcap escapades with Darryl in prison. Piper snarls at him and darts upstairs to change -- finally -- out of her hideous maternity togs.

Up in the Bridal Boudoir, Piper ducks into the closet to slip into something more comfortable while the Dolt strips down right there before God and His Creation, for all mankind to see. This episode just keeps getting worse, doesn't it? Just when you think they couldn't possibly sink any lower than Alyssa Milano jiggling the Fun Bags as Salome, they throw the Dolt's pasty white thighs in our collective face. The thighs are so white, they're almost blue, for Christ's sake. And glowing. While I avert my gaze from the aesthetic nightmare on the screen, I'll take this opportunity to wonder where Piper got that closet -- seeing as how she converted the damn thing into a nursery in the season premiere -- and also to wonder why she's being so modest about changing in front of the Dolt. They've seen each other naked, after all. Hell, we've seen them naked. Several times. Was the network squeamish about having Holly Marie Combs strip down to her bra while ensconced in her pregnancy prosthesis? After all, they had no qualms about pasting a couple of latex scales onto Alyssa's tits and tossing her out in front of the public. I think Ms. Combs herself balked at stripping for the camera; thus, the hastily restored closet space in Piper's boudoir. While I've been babbling on, Piper and the Dolt have engaged in some babbling of their own, but it's not of any importance. Basically, she gives him the skinny on (Hewitt) and Cole, and he urges her to come up with a plan to rescue her sisters. The Dolt's radioactive blue thighs were, therefore, entirely gratuitous.

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