Turner enters the emergency room where Dr. Williams is waiting to tell him about Mabry Matthews, a.k.a. The Axe Man. Williams says that except for the obvious, the man seems okay. Nurse Patterson says that about three to four inches of the axe is stuck in the man's head. Turner corrects both me and Patterson: "Hatchet. Axes are bigger." Sure, whatever. Just keep it secular, Dr. Turner. Turner gets everybody to step aside. Mabry the Hatchet Man, who looks so incredibly friendly that you just want to nuzzle him by the hatchet handle, says he'd like to see his son. Williams reports that the forty-year-old son, Leon, broke a window by throwing a police officer into it. Mabry says his son is sensitive and that he can't leave the boy alone. Turner examines the wound with a pen light to confirm that yes, this guy's got a friggin' hatchet in his head. Dr. Weiss, who never actually says anything, stands by watching, with his arms crossed. This is what he and his fellow Beastie Boys call "Representin'." Turner asks Mabry not to move his head. He says, "This may sound like a silly question, but are you feeling any pain?" "Just a little headache," the man says. Bamboo Heather giggles. The man says he'd like some aspirin. Turner says he'll get him something for the pain, but that it's important that he not take anything orally. Like, say, a hatchet. Mabry says he feels very calm, and Turner says that some of the frontal lobe may have been severed. "You mean like a lobotomy," Weiss says, right to the patient's face. "Partial lobotomy, yeah," Turner responds. While Turner examines the patient's ears (for what, hatchet wax?) Mabry tells the story of what happened. After a movie, he and his son came home and there were "bad guys" in the house. His son, who (he says) is gentle as a lamb, couldn't do anything. Mabry chased them to the backyard, and next thing you know, dad's got a hatchet in his head: "Am I going to die?" Turner says that Mabry has beaten a lot of odds to get this far, and the prognosis is pretty good. Turner asks about any family they might call. Mabry says that he has a sister, but that she doesn't want anything to do with them. And not just because of the hatchet. Mabry again asks the doctors to bring Leon over. Walking off, Weiss tells Turner that this must be a case for the record books. But not the Nielsen record books. Ha ha ha ha! Oh, I kid City of Angels about its ratings. Turner says he's seen a similar case before involving an ice pick, but not with Sharon Stone. In that case, when they took out the ice pick, the patient suffered massive cranial bleeding and died. Like the hatchet, it was holding in all the heady goodness. Dr. Williams has done a neurosurgery rotation, so it looks like he'll be performing the honors. Turner orders a CT and tells Williams that whatever he does, he should not touch the hatchet. They also have to shoo away some people who are taking photos with a pleasant Mabry.
Cut to the hallway, where the ultra-dapper Ron Harris is escorting the Jayko committee. They are: an overweight Wilford Brimley-esque man, a black woman and an Asian man. CBS executives are at this moment writing a press release touting this minority casting coup. Wilford Brimley sarcastically complains that Harris is bugging them and that they want to be left alone. Wilford grabs a muffin, bites into it and tells Harris to pretend they've got a restraining order against him and that if he comes closer than three hundred feet, the hospital will lose its accreditation. Harris laughs it off, because surely nobody would diss the ultra-dapper Ron Harris, but he leaves. The committee divvies up its inspection duties. Harris, who is still hanging around, is told to shoo. He goes away and then comes back, unwelcomed, an apt metaphor for what summer reruns of City of Angels will be like. Viewer's note: Ron Harris is a sneaky man. Dapper, but sneaky. Make no mistake.