Be Cruel to Your School
Returning to the library o' conflict, Jeff is greeted by Britta, who demands that he clean up the shouting match he created. He says he will as long as she still goes to dinner with him, but her capitulation is punctuated with the words "shallow douchebag." I would probably just let the dinner go at that point, Jeff. Wading in, Jeff slams down the envelope full of answers and launches into his closing argument, which is amazing:
"Do you know what makes humans different from other animals? [Troy: "Feet." Pierce: "Bears have feet."] We are the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason that I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve and go like this [snaps pencil, Abed gasps] and part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting. [Pierce: "Big Mistake."] People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me; it's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I can never admit that, because that would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people, or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer. [Pierce: "The Dalai Lama and I--"] We should listen to him sometime; we wouldn't regret it. Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife or a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on it, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No. They're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You're just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. [Pierce: "Soup?"] I want you to look at the person sitting next to you. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person 'I forgive you.' [They do.] You've just stopped being a study group. You've become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a community."