Alias
Countdown

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Right. "Countdown." When's the damn finale?

Elsewhere, Vaughn makes a call to Dr. Nancy, ostensibly to discuss Dix's current taste for pharmaceuticals. It's a two-second scene, but I thought I'd better mention it. Oh, and I thought I'd better mention how hot Michael Vartan looks when he unhooks his tie and reveals that little bit of white t-shirt beneath his blue oxford. I think that's important too.

Guadalajara Harry's. As the killer tune "Mas" by Kinky kicks out the jams, we watch a little bit of something known as Big Fat Guys In Masks Wrestling In A Ring. I'm sure there's a proper name for this particular sport, but I neither know nor care what it is. And do NOT email me to inform me of the name, okay? "Actually, it's called 'real wrestling,' my love," says Eddie, slurping on his vodka. "And it's fabulous." "Shut up, Eddie. Or I won't let you wear my platform sneakers to church tomorrow."

Dix and Syd and Syd's pumped-up breasts enter the arena and make their way over to some muscular guard. Syd tells the guy, in Spanish, that she and Dix are Triad, and they want to meet with Uncle Machete about another job they want him to do. The guard points them toward their destination, and Dix and Syd and Syd's gargantuan boobies go off to meet Uncle Machete.

Once in Machete's inner sanctum, Syd tells him that some Russian guy referred them, and then they exchange some words about nothing in particular. Machete invites them in, and they walk down a hallway conveniently filled with many weapons of mass distraction. Dix grabs Machete by the back of the neck, and Syd asks him why he took Lucky DNA Dude's heart. Machete doesn't play so well with others, however, and some multi-level ass-kicking ensues, complete with Jennifer Garner showing off her recently acquired Daredevil double-sword skills as well as her recently boosted boobs.

Syd finally gets Machete down on the floor with her sword at his throat. Machete still won't answer. Dix decides to take matters into his own hands and starts breaking Machete's wrist as Syd watches, looking slightly afraid of the rage Dixon's exhibiting. Machete finally answers that it wasn't the heart he was after, but a machine. Dix continues breaking bones as Syd asks where the machine is. Through his screams of pain, Machete manages to communicate that the machine's on a truck, on its way to Cartagena, Colombia.

Dix finally eases up on Machete's hand and steps back. "Is that where Sloane is?" "Who?!" gasps Machete. Dix whip-kicks Machete in the face. Niiiice. Dix starts going to town on Machete's face, trying to get him to give up Sloane's whereabouts. Machete's all, I don't know any Sloane! I was hired by phone! By this guy with a mincy Brit accent! Who looks cute in suits! Dix isn't satisfied with this answer and continues to beat the ever-loving shit outta Machete. Syd finally goes, "DIXON!" and he stops. He breathes heavily for a second all, "Whuh?" Syd just stares at him. Dix walks off, leaving Syd to heave her breasts about the place and wonder if maybe she shouldn't up his dosage a bit.

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Alias

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