Crazy Fights, Snake Dinners

Episode Report Card
admin: A | Grade It Now!
Oof! Kapow!
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Ow! Quit It: Shane realized that he shared with viewers the opinion that there was no reason for him to be in Panama, but he was not able to share with viewers the experience of throwing rotten vegetables at himself. And more's the pity, really, because it is fun. After the tribes shuffled and the season's gimmick was abandoned like a shoe by the side of the road running by Mark Burnett's ego, Shane briefly experienced a surge of motivation, but it passed quickly, and he started talking about quitting again. You have to admire his stick-to-it-iveness about being a puss. After Casaya lost the immunity challenge, Shane asked to be voted off, but Aras did some kind of tricky mental yoga fu on him, and he returned to the tribe, where he and Aras gave Cirie and Melinda the bad news that they could just take their Geritol and their walkers and get going. Bug off, blue-hairs! Nobody ever said being an old lady was going to be easy. Melinda was the unfortunate soul chosen to go, meaning that she is the official second victim of what I am sure will be this season's most crushing experience -- Gone Before Shane. (Fortunately for Tina, she wasn't really around to know the insult of it all.) Meanwhile, Bruce spent some time on Exile Island, and Sally lost the fishing spear -- which, it turns out, does not float. In other words, things were actually happening, which is more than can be said for many seasons at this early stage.

Credits. Well, an incredibly abbreviated version of the credits. Credititos. I didn't know there was a shrunken credit sequence. I personally believe that the credits were shortened to allow more footage of people with their faces stuffed in each other's asses, but we'll get to that.

It is Night 6, and Casaya is returning from tribal council. President Beefcake reminds us all that Bruce was "inserted" into the tribe when Melinda left. That must have hurt. Bruce asks the tribe, in a knowing way, where the water is, and somebody asks him in a not-knowing way whether he's good with fire. He tells them that they don't need fire; they need water. Bruce, with crazy night-vision eyes, interviews that he could see that the tribe all had "good hearts," but that they were suffering from dehydration, and he knew they needed his "skills and knowledge." Well, two out of three. Bruce gives the tribe the fairly exciting news that he taught wilderness survival for thirty years. Huh. That does seem like a slight advantage. And then he has to ruin it by saying, "You just got the most important person of everybody." Lord. He might have an argument for his own importance at this precise moment, but people who have watched very much Survivor over the years learned long ago that, contrary to the PR, this is not about surviving in the wilderness. If it were, you wouldn't exactly have seen Jenna Morasca run off with the victory, considering that I suspect she can barely survive in the bathtub. Bruce tells us that, as a result of all his teaching experience, he knows how to handle people. Apparently, telling them how much more important you are than anyone else is a good start. Make a note!

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