Smallville
Crusade

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Down With Robot Clark

We cut to a car driving down a dark Smallville back road as lightning flashes in the sky behind it. As the SUV barrels down the road, the woman from the newsroom is leaning her head in what can't be an ergonomic manner, speaking into a cell phone as she drives. "K-E-N-T," she spells out, but I think she misspelled the curse word most commonly associated with Ann Coulter. She's calling directory assistance about a "Kent Farm" and, as she swigs some coffee from a huge travel mug, she asks if farms even have addresses. She interrupts her own sipping to tell the person on the phone that the last "super-genius" (Wile E.!) she spoke to got her lost. She turned right on Route 31 or took a wrong turn at Albuquerque or something, and now she's lost. Er, speaking of Lost, the show that airs directly opposite this one on Wednesday nights, did you see it? Holy crap, was that awesome or what? Wait, what? You didn't see it? Because you were watching this show? Aw, dude. I'm sorry, man. Maybe you should look into one of those two-tuner TiVos. Or, you know, just watch Lost. I'm just sayin'. The woman driving mentions something about a "billion stalks of corn" which is like a thousand points of light if you're Orville Redenbacher. Lightning flashes around the car, and somehow it causes the cell phone she's holding to give the woman a little shock on the cheek, before suddenly shutting off. It doesn't even take lightning to do that to my Sprint PCS phone. Sometimes, I'll just say the word "Hello?" and the phone spits toxic melted silicon at my face and calls my grandmother a whore. I'm not the most satisfied customer, is what I'm trying to say. The young woman (who for now we'll call, um, "Laura...Lake") does a "That's just great" take and then pulls a cigarette from her car visor and tells herself that she'll be self-hatin' if she smokes it. So, we've gathered that this woman is a tad neurotic and impatient in that TV show way that all people from a big city are supposed to be when they go to a small town. Very Doc Hollywood. Laura...Lake is leaning over to dig in her purse when a bolt of lightning strikes the road right in front of her SUV. She scream-swerves, veering off the road. Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn! Then the SUV stops. Good thing there was all that corn. Laura rolls her eyes: "Great, now I gotta deal with this shit." She looks up at the sky. Three disparate lightning bolds converge to form...more lightning. It's even less exciting than it sounds. No, wait, it did do something. It created some sort of bastard Yu-Gi-Oh! ball of energy that's heading right for the woman's vehicle. Her eyes widen. A bolt shoots right at the car. Take that, city folk!

We cut to a rear shot of the SUV. The right blinker is going as we pan up and see a pretty good-sized circle burned into a patch of corn. There are tiny little symmetrical fires that look very deliberate in that open space. Little CGI lightning bolts spell out the letter "S," which my wife has to point out to me because this show has killed the part of my brain that used to notice when people are clumsily paying homage to something every week. Laura Lake gets out of her SUV. She sees some naked white dude lying among the fires. "Oh my God," she says, and not in the Valley Girl way. It's Clark! He opens his eyes. Wait, didn't I see this last summer? In Terminator 3? Clark gets up. Then he stands. Did I mention he's naked? The camera stays low, though. "I'm huge!" Laura Lake asks if he's all right. Is anyone naked in a burning cornfield ever really all right? Clark doesn't answer. He's trying this silent naked thing for a while. Chicks dig it. She asks his name. He thinks, "Jell-O," but says, "I don’t know." Jell-O quivers a sigh of relief. Laura offers to take him to a hospital. "I am fine," says Robot Clark. I wish he had a Robot Dance to go with that. Laura points out that Clark is naked, just got hit by lightning, and doesn't remember his own name. She tries to be cute and funny, but then he turns around and she is humbled by his TV schlong. We see Clark's crack from behind. Why is it that every time we get a glimpse of Clark's ass, fire is always involved? "Behold my pene!" Clark says non-verbally as he leans back and Super Full Monty-sizes it. "Look at his face," Laura says cutely to herself as she averts her eyes. Then she looks down anyway. Nice cut, buddy. Clark stares at her as if to say, "Do you find my girth pleasing?" Laura Lake says she has a blanket in the car, and moves to go grab it, but not before taking another peek or two at the corn of Clark's cob. "Wait," says Robot Clark. It's like he's been programmed by Herbie Hancock. "Who are you?" he asks the girl. "Lois. Lois Lane!" she says, brightly. Good, because I was getting tired of typing "Laura Lake."

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