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Crush Girl Love Panic

Someone named Aidan Hawken brings us "Little Boxes" this week, and then we're in a hallway at Nancy's. Silas has barricaded himself in his room, and refuses to come out, no matter how much Nancy begs him to come out and ignore her. She gets a phone call from Conrad, who tells her they have "trouble in Little Armenia." Nancy asks if he can't say "good morning" when he calls, but Conrad isn't so sure it is a good morning, and tells her about the DEA raids. He asks who's on shift. Nancy says that Sanjay is. Conrad asks whether she's heard from him; she hasn't. Conrad asks her to meet him at the grow house.

And then both Nancy and Conrad are cautiously letting themselves in the back door, unsure what they're going to find. Or, I guess, Nancy's pretending she doesn't know. It would be hard to tell what exactly happened if you hadn't...you know, watched it, like we did; the place does look like it's been ransacked, possibly by heedless cops. Conrad finds the toilet with plants sticking out and guesses that Sanjay got busted. Nancy is horrified at the idea and pulls out her phone to call him. Soon, they can hear Sanjay's phone ringing, and Nancy pulls open the closet door to find Sanjay. His first reaction to the light is to beg whoever's there not to shoot. Seeing Nancy and Conrad, he asks them to wait, since he has a call. He picks up, pretending to be totally relaxed and normal (hee, like me answering the phone before noon on a weekend), and Conrad takes Nancy's phone hand to bellow into it, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!" Sanjay explains what happened, and how they tried to flush the plants. Conrad angrily asks whether Sanjay thinks a houseful of weed is the same as a dime bag at church camp. Sanjay: "I'm Hindu." Ha! Nancy asks who else was there with Sanjay when it all went down, and he says Andy was. They ask where he is, and Sanjay says that Andy just said "Out of my way, brownie," and took off, mother plant in hand. Conrad tears off to look for Andy. Nancy dismisses Sanjay.

Nancy finds Andy in another closet, the mother plant in his lap. He guesses that there's no raid after all, and explains that they can't see out, but they knew there were cop cars and helicopters and whatnot, so they panicked. Inspecting the mother, Conrad asks why it smells funny. "'Cause I saved it," says Andy. Sounding like he might start crying, he tries to collect himself, saying he thought he was going to prison: "Look at this face. I'd get passed around prison like a loose joint." Conrad asks why the plant smells like pee: "Did you piss on my plant?" Andy says he didn't piss on it: "I watered it. With my urine." Conrad is not pleased. Andy says that he saved the mother's life: he provided moisture, and wrapped the roots in his good hoodie. Andy says that urine has nitrogen in it, which is good for plants. Conrad says it isn't when it's concentrated, like in pee, but Andy claims that he drank seven bottles of water to dilute it. Nancy uses a pair of tongs to pull Andy's sodden hoodie out of the pot, asking Conrad whether he hurt the plant with his pee. As Conrad checks out the plant, Andy preens that it looks good: "There's a little bit of me in it." Nancy complains that he never knows when to shut up. Conrad is cautiously optimistic, but tells Andy he'd better hope the clones are okay. Andy says that at least they're still in business: "We could all be in the hoosegow right now." "No, we couldn't, we were fine 'til you trashed the place," says Nancy sharply. Conrad gives her a long look, waiting for her to reveal more, and Nancy, realizing what she's just hinted at, vaguely says she's going to go see if any of the clones in the bathroom can be salvaged. Conrad is suspicious!

On the set of Isabelle's first Huskeroos shoot, we pan past a girl on a trampoline (much bigger than Isabelle, by the way -- her lower half is all squat and bulbous like Charla from The Amazing Race, weird) to a makeup table, where Isabelle's just had her hair flat-ironed by John Paul DeJoria. She and Dean are both delighted, but then Celia comes over -- saying she's there because Isabel's the only one generating income in the family at the moment, so she's protecting their cash cow -- and starts shitting all over it. She bitches to the hairdresser that because Isabelle has a disproportionately small head, she needs her big hair to keep from looking like a pinhead. John Paul DeJoria's like, "I don't need this," and Dean sarcastically asks Celia whether she wants to take a run at the makeup next, just to make sure Isabellegets fired. Celia says that the makeup is terrible too, crabbing that they gave Isabel "blowjob lips." The director, having been summoned by John Paul DeJoria, comes over to ask what's going on. Celia tells him about Isabelle's bad hairdo: "Why is it that all you gay men hate women sooooo much?" "Because we have mothers like you," says the director, awesomely. Celia chuckles dryly. The director sends John Paul DeJoria back to fix Isabelle's hair, and calls for Security to escort Celia off the set. "Control freak," she grits. "Horror show," he shoots back. As Celia disgustedly makes to leave, Dean smirks, and Isabelle crows, "I love show business."

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