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Crush Girl Love Panic

Nancy's hallway. She's found a little karaoke machine and an assortment of toy musical instruments (and a metal saucepan she's using as a drum) and is attempting to annoy Silas out of his room, like how the U.S. agents took down Noriega with disco music. Shane and Andy both descend on Nancy, begging her to stop, but Nancy says that she can't; it's her invasion of Panama. Andy recaps the Noriega story for Shane, and then says he's tired again, getting down on the floor and laying his head in Nancy's lap. Shane asks whether Noriega had noise-cancelling headphones, because Silas does, and Shane doesn't, and now he's "going mental." Nancy sends Shane to school. He tells her he'll be late; he joined the debate team. She picks up her microphone again and, quietly, implores Silas to come out. She asks Andy what she can do to help him. "Buy him a car," suggests Andy. "I want a car," says Silas, finally showing his face. Nancy says no, and Silas goes back into his room.

But, of course, Nancy is the kind of parent who makes her kids love her by buying them things (that is: the best kind), so the next scene finds her and Silas at a used-car lot. Now that he's out of his room, he's decided to punish his mother for her interest by asking her uncomfortable questions, like how business is going. Nancy says she's not going to talk to him about that. He tells her not to treat him like a kid, and so Nancy finally says that business is fine. He asks whether she's only dealing weed, or if she's also selling coke or meth, and after a moment, she thoughtfully says it's just weed. He asks why, and she says that while coke and meth are dangerous, smoking weed is essentially a victimless crime -- though she doesn't want Silas to smoke it, because "pot makes you stupid." At this juncture, a chipper salesman rolls up and says it looks like they're ready to buy. Nancy says that she needs a car for her son. The salesman guesses that it's a special occasion, and Silas announces, "My girlfriend just had an abortion." Salesman: "I've got just the car." Ha! Now that's a good salesman: prepared for any eventuality. I kind of want a web-only spinoff of this guy, dealing with only the most difficult customers, coming in and telling him, like, they just found out they have lupus, or they're about to be shipped to Iraq, or their mother was abducted this morning. "For real? Have you seen the '04 Touareg?"

Anyway, apparently when your girlfriend's just had an abortion, what you need is a convertible. Silas loves it, and as he climbs into the driver's seat, the salesman points out that it's a two-seater: "No back seat, no trouble." Ha! Like Silas ever had to resort to a car. The salesman excuses himself, and Nancy leans in and says that the convertible is unsafe. Silas needles that, if Nancy has such concerns for his safety, she should have chosen a different line of work, but she tells him to pick out a four-door and be glad he's not on roller skates. He whines, but she says that if he doesn't cram it, she's going to take her "dirty drug money" and spent it on "giant diamond earrings and a gold tooth," and that he can buy a sports car when he's forty-seven and bald. I really hate to think of that happening to this dreamy kid, but I guess it's likely that he'll end up looking like Dean eventually.

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