Cacaesthesia University. Dean "Hernandez" leads Bernstein and Jo-Jo The Sack-Faced Boy on a tour of the quad while expounding upon the late professor's reputation. The professor's students loved him. However. The students' parents, the professor's fellow instructors, and Hernandez himself thought Metzger was "a whack job." Why was this, you ask? He would arrive at lectures dressed as Hitler and scrawl numbers on everyone's forearm. Yawn. Classroom guests included white supremacists and dusky prison interrogators of indeterminate origin. Boring. The good professor forced his students to sit through "home movies of slaughter, torture, and lynchings." Been there, done...wait. What? If they were his own damn movies, why was he never reported to the police? Unless, of course, Metzger was simply wasting class time on Faces Of Death, in which case: Feh. (Sidebar: My acting professor in college once spliced together a cleverly-edited tape featuring every Blonde Woman In Peril sequence from Alfred Hitchcock's entire body of work. Now that was some funny stuff.) Intercut throughout this monologue are black-and-white shots of the supposedly charismatic prof in action, screaming crap like "Man is not man without hate!" and "Pain moves us into the process of becoming whole -- pain is vital for survival!" The dialogue, she is bad, and the acting, she is worse. One bespectacled (and therefore mousy and spineless) lass diligently copies every word into her notebook, apparently swallowing this bullshit whole. A far more sensible young woman with perfect vision merely cocks an eyebrow and smirks as Metzger's pronouncements become more and more outlandish. Back on the quad, Jo-Jo The Sack-Faced Boy wonders how many students the professor had. "Thirteen," answers Hernandez. "Thir. Teen," Caruso overenunciates, for he'll follow Kim Delaney into the unemployment line before he allows some fricking pussy-boy day-player to get the last line of his scene, goddammit.
Episode Report CardDemian: C- | 380 USERS: C+
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