CSI: Miami
A Horrible Mind

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 2 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
A Horrible Boor

Cut to Spineless opening her door to find Speedle with a warrant for her taser. She hesitantly retreats to her bed and retrieves the thing from her purse. It's disguised as a cell phone. "Clever," Speedle smiles after testing it on the lock. Spineless remains impassive, but dude. She is so busted.

B-Plot Of Token's Despair. He's programmed the elements of The Vehicle Of Doom's final ride into the computer, but even with Doug Rancid locked in the trunk, the car in his simulation won't roll into the canal. The Unspeakable Sack-Faced One wonders if it was raining the night Doug Rancid disappeared. Token's all, "D'oh! I'll check the weather report, boss!" "Let's do that," The Unspeakable Sack-Faced One croons. Fifteen for seventeen.

And it's back to the canal with Token and Megan for Kim Delaney's final appearance on CSI: Miami. I wish I could tell you this scene was in any way important, but it's not. Basically, Token and Megan rehash what we already know of Doug Rancid's final wild ride: After parking Larry's car on the embankment in the rain, opening the windows, and popping the emergency brake, Doug attempted to retrieve the Neil Diamond CD from the changer in the trunk before hopping on a city bus with the buck fifty in his pocket. Doug slipped, cracked his head on one of the trunk's bolts, and drowned when the trunk slammed shut and the car plunged into the canal. That's it. That's the entire scene. Well, that along with a thirty-second black-and-white reenactment of what Megan and Token just told us, of course. Happy trails, Megan. Oh, what am I saying? Like I even care.

Back in The Unspeakable Sack-Faced One's world, Teresa Spineless has been hauled in for a round of questioning. A very short round of questioning, as it turns out. For in case you've forgotten, The Unspeakable Sack-Faced One is omniscient. One wonders why he bothers to ask Teresa for her version of events, given that he already knows what happened. Professor Whack Job broke Teresa mentally and physically as part of an experiment. At some point, the experiment involved a bit of involuntary branding on Teresa's forearms. (The scars that remain necessitate her long-sleeved sweaters, don't you know.) At another point, the experiment included the demise of the sweet, bacon-loving "Dalmation," Fisher. Other elements and incidents are left to our imagination, but we do get a flashback to Teresa finally snapping. After silently enduring yet another screaming set of insults from Professor Whack Job, Teresa tasers him in the groin; attacks his torso with the letter opener, the staple remover (hee!), and the tape dispenser; glues his eyelids open; blinds him with the copier; forces him into the woods; trusses him up with the various "military" knots she presumably learned during his torture of her; and finally hoists him up on the pulley, where he strangles to death. It should be noted that as portrayed in the flashback, the professor appears to be a willing participant up until the very end. The sick fuck. Also, it's not entirely clear that Teresa meant to kill him, though that certainly is my own highly subjective opinion on the matter. Teresa at long last admits, "Had I known that I was a test -- that he didn't mean all those things he said -- I wouldn't have snapped. But I'm happy he's dead." "After six hours of torture," The Unspeakable Sack-Faced One opines, "I bet he is, too." You obviously didn't see the same flashback I did, you self-aggrandizing ass.

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CSI: Miami

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