Cacaesthesia University. Dean "Hernandez" leads Bernstein and Jo-Jo The Sack-Faced Boy on a tour of the quad while expounding upon the late professor's reputation. The professor's students loved him. However. The students' parents, the professor's fellow instructors, and Hernandez himself thought Metzger was "a whack job." Why was this, you ask? He would arrive at lectures dressed as Hitler and scrawl numbers on everyone's forearm. Yawn. Classroom guests included white supremacists and dusky prison interrogators of indeterminate origin. Boring. The good professor forced his students to sit through "home movies of slaughter, torture, and lynchings." Been there, done...wait. What? If they were his own damn movies, why was he never reported to the police? Unless, of course, Metzger was simply wasting class time on Faces Of Death, in which case: Feh. (Sidebar: My acting professor in college once spliced together a cleverly-edited tape featuring every Blonde Woman In Peril sequence from Alfred Hitchcock's entire body of work. Now that was some funny stuff.) Intercut throughout this monologue are black-and-white shots of the supposedly charismatic prof in action, screaming crap like "Man is not man without hate!" and "Pain moves us into the process of becoming whole -- pain is vital for survival!" The dialogue, she is bad, and the acting, she is worse. One bespectacled (and therefore mousy and spineless) lass diligently copies every word into her notebook, apparently swallowing this bullshit whole. A far more sensible young woman with perfect vision merely cocks an eyebrow and smirks as Metzger's pronouncements become more and more outlandish. Back on the quad, Jo-Jo The Sack-Faced Boy wonders how many students the professor had. "Thirteen," answers Hernandez. "Thir. Teen," Caruso overenunciates, for he'll follow Kim Delaney into the unemployment line before he allows some fricking pussy-boy day-player to get the last line of his scene, goddammit.
Classroom Of The Damned. We get silent, poker-faced reaction shots of four students -- including Spineless and Smirky -- as Jo-Jo The Sack-Faced Boy informs all present that he'll be collecting DNA swabs from their cheeks. Without a warrant. Or probable cause. Or common sense. And despite the oncoming commercial break.
Marina. Intracoastal Waterway. Speedle. Oh, wait. That's not Speedle. That's one of Metzger's students, enduring a typically lackluster round of the third degree as administered by Jo-Jo The Sack-Faced Boy. Seems this particular student's illegally-obtained DNA sample matches the blood found on Speedle's scraps of fabric, and he was heard to threaten the professor's life on three separate occasions. "Ned" explains that he fell prey to one of Metzger's sadistic class-participation schemes -- a "mock lynching" in which he was the victim and his classmates the howling mob. We see during the black-and-white flashback of the event in question that Ned's shirt matches the pattern of Speedle's crime-scene cloth. We also receive an explanation for the presence of Ned's blood. Upon Metzger's command, Ned's classmates tore his clothes from his body, scratching open his skin with their fingernails. There's no way that sadistic asswipe would ever have received tenure. Nope. Not as an anthropology professor. Not buying it. Then again, this is Cacaesthesia University we're talking about, so maybe they award tenure differently down there. Ned attempts to justify his experience by noting that Metzger set the whole thing up to demonstrate how "normal people follow social norms." "Like the Stanford Experiment?" Jo-Jo The Sack-Faced Boy asks. Um. No. Not much like the Stanford Experiment at all. Moron. (And many thanks to tv_or_not_tv for providing that link in the forums.) Aside from the fact that Professors Metzger and Zimbardo both appear to be ivory tower idiots of the most egregious sort, the two "experiments" seem to have nothing in common at all. So once again: Shut up, Horatio. The only other item of note in this scene is that Ned's suffering from some severe residual psychological distress as a result of his experiences, but it's pretty clear he's not responsible for Metzger's death. Oh, and Jo-Jo The Sack-Faced Boy gets the last line. Like you were even wondering about that one.