CSI: Miami
A Horrible Mind

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
A Horrible Boor

Lab. Jo-Jo The Omniscient Omnipotent Arrogant Evil Scene-Stealing Foul Talent-Free Rotten Sack-Faced Bastard Of A Blowhard accosts poor, put-upon Speedle, wondering what gives. Speedle's managed to piece together a few of the shredded documents, one of which reads, "The experiments with the dog exceeded my expectations. Standing under the tree taking notes, I could feel my assistant breaking." Not only was the late professor a whack job, he was also a shitty writer. As the flashback shows, the professor wasn't standing under the tree taking notes -- his assistant was. Also, he spelled "subservience" incorrectly. Or his assistant did. Or the feckless PA in charge of this particular prop did. Asshats. All of them. In any event, Speedle and The Foul Sack-Faced Bastard From Hell Formerly Known As Horatio realize that one of Professor Whack Job's thirteen students must also be his assistant, and as such must have left fingerprints on the professor's computer. Only they put it like this, so that The Foul Sack-Faced Bastard can get the last line before the final commercial break:

Speedle: "A computer keyboard has at least twenty-six places..."
The Foul Sack-Faced Bastard: "...for nervous hands to leave sweaty fingerprints."

For one thing, you're not going to lift a usable print from the fucking keys, and for another, why didn't you confiscate the fucking computer in the first place, you douchebag? Also, I'll be the first to admit I'm overly reliant on a personal recapping conceit involving the onrushing commercial breaks threatening to overwhelm the characters while they stoically stand their ground in the face of corporate adversity, but never did I so want a group of commercials to kill a television character until I met Horatio Caine. Die, you worthless piece of trash, under a torrent of fresh-to-your-family values from Jewel.

And yet he lives. The Foul Sack-Faced Bastard, after twirling a bit of dust on the professor's computer, announces, "There's no prints on the keyboard." Of course there aren't, you stupid git. Did you not hear what I said before the commercial break? Huh? Have you gone deaf? Have you? Answer me, you rotten shit!


Elsewhere in the study, Calleigh pouts that everything's been wiped down. Despite the fact it's broad daylight, The Unspeakably Foul Sack-Faced Bastard flicks on his flashlight and trains it on Professor Whack Job's desk. Thereupon he finds several ominous implements of the modern sort: A letter opener, a tape dispenser, a stapler, a pencil sharpener, a box of silver push pins, and -- DUN! -- a staple remover. Heh. The staple remover cracks me up. Anyway, The Unspeakable Sack-Faced One announces that whoever cleaned the office concentrated on fingerprints, not bloodstains. Calleigh obediently fetches the luminol from her bag and sprays the Six Deadly Office Supplies. How on earth did the killer use that pencil sharpener? Calleigh examines the desk and finds The Seventh Deadly Office Supply in the form a tube of super glue as Speedle points out the impression of Whack Job's face on the Xerox machine's document glass, thus explaining the retinal burns. The final piece of evidence recovered is a bit of cotton fluff snagged on the copier. "Who wears cotton sweaters in eighty-degree weather?" The Unspeakable Sack-Faced One asks. Fourteen for sixteen.

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CSI: Miami




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