CSI: Miami
Body Count

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Jail's Out For Summer!

We find out that Stewart took Emma in a cab, the cab's ventilation system spit those odor molecules back out in the street, and then they head into an alley where the scent evidently pooled. Horatio pulls out his gun and waves it around -- I wonder if they teach that move in acting class, since every male actor in America ends up playing a cop at one point or another -- and he and Delko eventually find a pile of Emma's clothing and her recently-shorn hair in one corner of the alley. Horatio bets that Stewart's trying to pass Emma off as a boy. We flash to Emma whining as he snips her hair and sings, "It will be just like Halloween! Your own neighbors won't know you. Come on, we're a team! Come on, stop crying!" This is the point where I snap and wonder again: first, what was Stewart Otis -- a child molester who had killed at least six children -- doing anywhere else but Death Row? Florida's killed people for less; you'd think he'd have gotten the chair for Ruthie alone. Second, how could Randall Kaye share a cell with a pedophiliac and killer, and be all blasé about hanging pictures of his little girl on the wall, and then be all, "Sure! Come escape with me!" What, was he planning on inviting Stewart for dinner? Did it never occur to him that Stewart was eyeballing his daughter? Third -- you're a child-loving pervert who's been around adults for all of nine months. You're offered a chance to escape. Do you: a) return to the stomping grounds of the guy who put you away so you can pick up one kid, or b) head for Georgia and resume your life of abduction, rape, and murder far away from the long arm of the Miami law? This whole plot is so blatantly manipulative -- Horatio made a promise! There's a child in danger! For one CSI, the case is getting personal yet again! And did we mention that the child is cute? -- that it almost shocks the viewer into accepting the brain-dead premises pushing it ever forward. Almost -- I'm still trying to figure out why Hank didn't kill Stewart when he was escaping, since he seems so fond of shooting people in the temple. I may be at it all summer, provided that I suffer a blow to the head and lose my interest in, oh, anything else on Earth. Anyway, Horatio tells Delko, "Put out the word, Eric. He's traveling with a little boy."

Back in the Shut Up, Hagen -- I'm Fine: The Calleigh Duquesne Story, Hagen is confirming that Hank took a post-homicidal break with a hooker named Treynice. Hagen's currently confirming this with Treynice's pimp, the rare man who is not afraid to work baby blue. Boy Blue is all, "I admit that, you got me for pandering." You know, "pandering" sounds like it should be a cute crime, like something little teddy bears on puffy embroidered sweatshirts with the slogan, "I oughta PANDER some chocolate today!!! [heart] [heart] [heart]." I'm just saying, etymology aside, I can't take "pandering" seriously as a word. Hagen tells Boy Blue, "You got it backwards: you don't confirm she's with Hank Kerner, we grab you up. Does Treynice carry a cell phone?" Boy Blue's offended by the question: "What do I look like to you, man, some low-budget bougie operation. All my girls got cell phones, beepers, PCs. It's the third millennium, Chuck." I like Boy Blue -- we should keep this guy around. He could be Pander Bear. A SWAT team guy with a voice that makes James Earl Jones sound like Edward Burns says, "Okay, Bill Gates, call her. We need to make sure she's in the room before we move." Boy Blue does: "Yo, delicious. What's taking so long? Where's my money? I didn't ask you what the bald boy likes, I asked you, do you got the money? Well, count it twice. I'm bouncing." Just then, Miss I Don't Care If You're Nervous For Me: The Calleigh Duquesne Story her own self gets out of the car, just as Boy Blue confirms that Treynice is in there with Kerner. Calleigh's all, "Detective. I didn't get a call. I had to hear from Dispatch you located Kerner's associate." Boy howdy, is she irritated. Hagen protests, "The lead just came in." Calleigh replies, "This is our investigation. Don't run it without me." Well, excuse him for maybe trying to minimize the chances that someone will off you. Boy Blue opines, "Looks like you got some management problems of your own." Bring back Pander Bear in the fall! Do it! Hagen is not amused.

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CSI: Miami

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