CSI: Miami

Episode Report Card
Sobell: C | Grade It Now!
Breathe in, Horatio

After the credits, a biohazard-suit-wearing person walks into the house, and I think for a moment that we just might see something approximating reality. Then I see that it's Horatio in the biohazard suit, so unless he's also heading up the hazmat unit -- not entirely out of the realm of possibility, given this show -- we're apparently not going to be bringing them out to contain a cloud of poisonous gas. After surveying the living room, which is ankle-deep in debris, Horatio decrees that they'll find the source of the poison gas when they find the body. He and Speedle head toward the back of the house. There's a third person there with him, but the camera angle is such that I can't tell who he or she is. So let's just pretend they're not there for now.

Horatio and Speedle head toward the kitchen, which is a food-prep nightmare. It's too bad these occupants were too depressed to properly keep house. We then see poor dead Rudy on the floor. Speedle crouches down and notes, "Foam around the mouth; lack of pallor." So there's a lack of paleness? That seems odd for a dead person. Whatever. Horatio's beginning to put the pieces together, noting the obvious chemical residue in the sink. Speedle says he'll get the Drager, a magical device that crackles and pops as it's waved over the sink. Horatio tells us why: "Nitric acid -- 1800 parts per million." Speedle looks up fearfully and says only, "H?" My God, that's more emotion that he's showed in the last three episodes combined. Horatio explains Speedle's fear to the rest of us: "One hundred parts per million is fatal." Then he flashes back to the events of seven minutes ago: "Chemical residue plus sunlight created fumes in a closed environment, slowly accumulating deadly gas." Then he makes the decision to finally evacuate a one-block radius, what with the house being in danger of blowing up and releasing more deadly fumes. Immediately after Horatio says, "Be careful -- one spark and this place can go," Speedle drops some glassware. He's going to need to change that biohazard suit he's wearing. If I'm watching this scene correctly, then what's happening is this: having established that the house is effectively a giant gas bomb, Horatio and Speedle elect to hang out and collect glassware as evidence, since, you know, the hazmat team isn't around to clear the area for safe evidence-gathering later. Speaking of which: where is the hazmat team? This is Miami-Dade; it's not like they've never faced the problem of drug manufacturing before. Even desert outposts like Temecula, California, have hazmat teams -- how is it possible that Miami's meth-lab protocol begins with the sentence "Call Horatio Caine over in CSI"? ["I believe the sentence fragment 'Caruso's agent' might answer that question." -- Sars]

Before that scene can get any more removed from reality, we're over to the B-plot. Calleigh's having a good hair day but another bad wardrobe day, as she's wearing a fitted top with a peplum -- yes, a peplum -- and ruffles, proving yet again that no woman in the twenty-first century can successfully work a look last used to inflame lust during the Garfield administration. Delko is oblivious. Calleigh comments, "So this is Brackenhurst retirement community." Delko says, "I'd never put my grandmother in a place like this." He may think differently if he becomes her full-time caretaker. He continues, "When she dies, she's going to be in our house, with our priest, surrounded by family." When did Grandma Delekorsky make the trip over? Calleigh comments, "Not my grandma. I want every day for her to be New Year's Eve -- the roads clogged with drunks, amateur partygoers overrunning every venue, the evening filled with regrets and capped off with kissing a complete stranger." Oh, she does not; she wants her nana to spent her golden years in randy drunken deliriousness. Calleigh moves closer and we see that the shirt's got the puffed and gathered sleeves again, and a pallid rose pattern, and well as a high collar that contrasts weirdly with the sexy plunge in front. You just know that in 1882, a woman going out in this was branded a hussy. Then again, she may not have been wearing flared chinos and CHIPs-style sunglasses as well. This entire outfit is like a time capsule of fashion don'ts. Who on this show hates Emily Procter so much and so consistently as to slap the clown makeup and bad clothing on her week in and week out? Anyway, Calleigh and Delko decide that their differing approaches to the last days of their tribal elders can be chalked up to ethnic background (Him: "Southern." Her: "Cuban"), then they lift the crime scene tape and head inside.

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CSI: Miami




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