CSI: Miami
Camp Fear

Episode Report Card
Sobell: C+ | Grade It Now!
Gassy and Sassy

And now, the B-plot. Speedle more or less falls through the doors of the morgue, greets Alexx, and asks, "Mind if I observe?" "When do I ever?" she replies pleasantly. Oh, who doesn't love Speedle? He sidles up, and she asks, "So, Mr. Observer, what do you see?" Speedle replies, "Partial thickness burns on the lips, tongue and oral mucosa." Thanks to the generosity of the TMICam, we see these burns too, in excruciating detail. Speedle then pulls back a flap of skin and notes, "Stomach lining appears to be red and inflamed." Alexx asks, "What about the lungs?" Speedle replies, "Swelling of the main stem bronchii, release of edema fluid." "Meaning?" Alexx asks with a faint smile. "Meaning he was fried from the inside, and the heat from the burns blocked off his airway," Speedle replies.

Alexx gives Speedle a grin and says, "Not bad. Not bad at all. You know, Speed, any time you want to cross over to our side of the street..." Speedle shrugs off the obvious compliment and asks, "Do you have any idea what might have caused it?" Alexx replies, "Nah. We're running tox. But if you want first dibs on the stomach lining..." She holds the jar aloft, and Speedle says, "Well, yeah." He takes the jar and wanders off again, leaving Alexx grinning over Stango. Nice scene -- not only is it refreshing to see Alexx interacting with someone who's not going to be drawing all her conclusions for her (cough, cough, Horatio, cough), but it's fun to see Speedle working on mastering something he may not know yet.

The fun is over once we get the nostril's-eye view of what's really in mucus. As we see assorted objects that look like grains of pollen, a tech tells Calleigh, "The great thing about the nose is that it acts like a filter. Everything you breathe gets trapped inside -- spores, dirt, live dust mites." Calleigh breaks in with, "Remind me never to breathe again." Have a little more faith in the immune system, Calleigh. Anyway, the tech finds a kind of pollen that looks a little bit like an apricot. Calleigh looks up from her microscope, and her eyeliner looks as though someone rimmed the eyepieces of the microscope with charcoal as a practical joke shortly before she entered the lab. She eyes Horatio and streaks out of the lab to apprehend him as he walks by. Horatio's turned up the ID for the laundry mark -- Pharos Academy, a juvenile boot camp for girls in southwest Dade County. Calleigh exposits, "Tough love. Parents ship their kids off when they lose control. Last chance before the courts get involved." And highly controversial, although I doubt we'll get into issues like the long-term effectiveness of the boot camp approach, the accrediting issues that sometimes surround the staff and programs, the allegations of abuse, the often problematic relationship between for-profit camps and the contracts they have with local law enforcement agencies, and so on.

Instead, we get curvaceous criminal cuties running and chanting, "I must, I must, I must increase my bust." Oh, they're not really. But given that Wonderbras appear to be part of the standard uniforms, they might as well be. Horatio and Calleigh pull in with the Humvee just as some girl is being cornered and yelled at by two drill sergeant types. They make her drop and do push-ups while they drench her with water, because nothing says hard-nosed discipline like setting up a situation in which a busty girl runs around in a wet t-shirt. Calleigh and Horatio take this all in, and Calleigh comments, "At least we know what Jane Doe was running from." Just then, Sevilla comes up with Sergeant Marcus Cawdrey and makes the introductions all around. Incidentally, Cawdrey is played by geek-TV regular Tony Todd, whom some might recognize as Worf's brother Kurn on Star Trek: The Next Generation, or Jake Sisko in the weeparific Deep Space Nine episode "The Visitor," or the Ahab-goes-to-space Captain Metis from the guilty syndicated pleasure Andromeda. Um, not that I'm all that well-versed in who's done what on assorted space shows. Anyway, Tony Todd towers over everyone, which is amusing, and he's got a wonderfully mellifluous voice, so I'm giving this episode a B simply because he's in it. He's that delightful, and I'm that easy. Introductions made, Cawdrey gets down to business: "There's been no crimes committed on this property, I can tell you that." Horatio whips out a folder and asks, "How about a couple of miles up the road? We found one of your girls." We get an eyeful of the autopsy photo. Jane Doe's eyes have been closed since we last saw her, and her hair's looking pretty kicky. The deader she gets, the prettier she gets -- that's kind of creepy. Cawdrey says that Jane's not one of his cadets; Horatio repeats the assertion, as if Cawdrey's going to be all, "Psych! You really do know when people are lying, don't you?" Anyway, Horatio can't go off on a faulty line of questioning because he's distracted by a long-haired cadet driving an ATV. I'm more distracted by her hair; according to paragraph 1-8a(3), Army Regulation 670-1, "Hair will not fall over the eyebrows or extend below the bottom edge of the collar at any time during normal activity or when standing in formation. Long hair that falls naturally below the bottom edge of the collar, to include braids, will be neatly and inconspicuously fastened or pinned, so no free-hanging hair is visible. This includes styles worn with the physical fitness uniform/improved physical fitness uniform (PFU/IPFU)." I suppose we could infer that this place isn't going by Army rules, but it's not like the other branches of the military go for the Rapunzel effect either, and it's hard to believe a military-inspired camp would be any more lenient. Anyway, Horatio's not at all concerned with tonsorial inconsistencies; he's more interested in the conveniently parked ATV that matches the print they lifted earlier.

Cut to the ATV being dragged away by the resident CSI flatbed. Cawdrey has no idea how the vehicle got off the property, as access is strictly limited to instructors. Horatio points to the girl with the free-flowing tresses from one scene ago, who's now talking to Sevilla, and asks, "What about this young lady over here?" Cawdrey explains that some cadets are regarded as staff members. Horatio wants a list of those cadets. Cawdrey correctly points out, "These girls are minors. I can't give you anything without parental permission." Horatio's all, "We'll get it after we inform their parents they're part of an ongoing murder investigation." That's pretty rich, considering that he still doesn't have a crime scene, the body was found a few miles up the road, the girl isn't one of the camp's charges, and the only link he has is an ATV. Horatio ignores such practical considerations, however, because he's on a roll. He blathers about how the property has no fence, to which Cawdrey replies, "In life, there are no fences. We rely on a strict code of discipline. We monitor everything these girls do -- we tell them when to eat, sleep and shower." Calleigh asks perkily, "When to go to the bathroom?" Cawdrey replies, "Yes, ma'am. Extreme problems require extreme measures." Calleigh asks, "And do those measures ever get too extreme?" Horatio rolls his eyes extravagantly as Cawdrey replies, "That can never happen. We have safety protocols in place." Calleigh then hands over a photo of a shirt, and we establish that the shirt's laundry mark places it as belonging to Barracks 2.

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CSI: Miami




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