CSI: Miami
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Episode Report Card
Sobell: C+ | 5 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Horatio Caine, Judge and Jury

As everyone stampedes over to the oven, Caribbean Queen asks, "Can you get a positive ID from bones?" It's the most distracting line reading in history -- it's as if there's a computer churning out the sounds syllable by syllable without any recognition that tone and delivery matter. Alexx somehow overcomes this bizarre obstacle to communication and tells her, "Mitochondrial DNA only gives us maternal lineage." But y'all already knew that, right? Then Alexx prods Calleigh and Delko -- both of whom are staring into the oven in fascination -- into action by pointing out that whatever's in the oven doesn't have enough of anything left to do a facial reconstruction, but they can run dental records. Apropos of nothing, Delko gives us a lecture on Cremation 101: "It takes three hours for a body to burn through. The fire has to be between 1600 and 2000 degrees Fahrenheit to reduce the body to ash, usually leaving four to eight pounds of bone particles and dust."

Calleigh dreamily says, "I used to think I wanted to be cremated. Now I don't know." Well, she could explore cryogenics, or fall in with an Egyptian cult that does old-school mummification, or maybe hook up with a small-town doctor in Castle Rock, Maine...anyway. Caribbean Queen asks, "Looking like the bodies outside are better?" "Are better"? Gah! Grammar! Subject-verb agreement! Making the hurting stop! Calleigh's all, "I don't know -- casket, embalmed. It's not going to look like that." Alexx takes a more pragmatic view: "Either way, ashes to ashes." Delko sees an opportunity to leap into the conversation: "How about bloody ashes? The blood would have evaporated before the bone broke down." Calleigh says dismissively, "Even if those are Michelle's ashes, it can't be her blood." Cut to Delko doing a slow burn. To fill the awkward silence that falls while Delko keeps glaring, Calleigh says, "I don't know...Benito? He's got ash all over his face." Delko finally replies, "Like Alexx said, payback's a bitch."

Back at the lab, a puffy and sullen Speedle is sulking in front of a computer monitor and wondering when on Earth he went from independently thinking adult to Horatio's toady. Or maybe he's just looking for a tattoo match to the gun tattoo. The original tattoo faces to the right, and there's a near-identical one facing to the left, yet Speedle is mysteriously unable to see the match. Gosh, if only Horatio and his perceptive way of fitting clues to a situation could rescue him from this brainteaser. If only...

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CSI: Miami

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