CSI: Miami
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Episode Report Card
Sobell: C+ | 5 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Horatio Caine, Judge and Jury

Back on Planet Speedle, things have evidently progressed to the point where Speed's rending his garments in frustration. Horatio comes over and asks, "Speed? How are we doing?" "We," kemosabe? Given how frequently I make the complaint about Horatio's interpretation of this whole "we" thing, maybe it would be better if I just gave it a name, or a number, and then, in subsequent recaps, when I write, "Horatio kemosabes," y'all will know what I mean. Sound good? Vote on it over there.

Anyway, Speedle sighs about how all he's doing is looking at a lot of bad tattoos, and if only Horatio could show him how to find the match he's really looking for…? The two of them small-talk about the dead guy -- he didn't appear to have any visible means of support for his opulent lifestyle -- and then return to the topic of the tattoo. It's got too much detail to be a prison souvenir. Speedle says, "I also checked with Ernie, the guy that did Calleigh's --" "Did Calleigh's?" Horatio interrupts, sounding more interested in this than in anything case-related. Speedle misses this and replies, "Yeah. Not that she's ever going to let anybody see it, but Ernie thinks this is one of a kind designed by --" "Hang on a minute. Designed by the tattoo artist who did this one," Horatio interrupts, doing the basic spatial-relations twist and flipping the leftward facing gun tattoo over the right one before imposing them one on top of the other. The owner of that tattoo isn't the victim, but he's got the same tattoo, so that's a lead. Said owner is named Danny Blue, who looks like the unfortunate answer to the question, "So what happens when someone manages to be the sole male progenitor of three successive generations?" and he was released from prison following his robbery conviction a mere five days ago. Danny's also about to talk to Horatio, if Horatio has any say in the matter.

Meanwhile, Delko, Calleigh, and her tattoo are at Canvas. If this is supposed to be Miami's idea of a hot and exclusive club, then boy howdy, are Miamians starved for actual entertainment. Think roller-rink-colored lights, black lights, boring trance music, nubile people squirting each other with body paint for the patrons' amusement. Calleigh and Delko look around; Delko tells her the owner will be out shortly. Calleigh replies, "Did you read the article in Dade Distinctions about this place? Two guys from Puerto Rico -- they're cousins. They had a couple of clubs down there, but the article says they were Miami's version of knock-around guys." Delko replies, "You know what they say -- if you own the hottest club in the city, you own the city." The owners come over, and we're introduced to Michael Guerro and Jarrod Parker. Delko asks if they've seen either Benito Ramon or Michelle Carter. After quickly looking at the pictures, Parker answers, "Nope. Sorry. What's going on?" Calleigh hands over the metallic disc and tells them Benito had it; Parker replies, "That's our VIP palette." Calleigh checks out Parker's tacky ring -- it's not exactly discreet, and it's got a big C made from diamonds in the middle -- and tells everyone that Benito had the palette on his body when he was murdered. She then asks if she can check out the VIP list, and Guerro is stupid enough to snot, "Sorry, but membership on our VIP list comes with an expectation of privacy, so yeah, we mind." Delko amiably assures them that he'll come back with a warrant. He should have also mentioned that he'll call his favorite police beat reporter and tell him to start sniffing around Canvas, but he's young. He has time yet to learn how to be sneaky. Calleigh pulls Delko away by telling him they may have found Michelle.

Back at CSI headquarters, Danny Blue's getting fingerprinted, and Horatio steps over to say, "Okay, Danny Blue, that wasn't too bad now, was it?" The way he says the name makes me start singing, "Oh, Danny Blue, the cops, the cops are callin'..." It's just so lyrical. Anyway, Horatio and Speedle settle in for an amiable Q&A period, and let me just say that whoever is dressing Speedle needs to actually clothe the man in shirts that fit, as opposed to pinching pennies by going to Michael Clarke Duncan's garage sales. Horatio begins the Q&A period by showing a picture of the prone dead guy and asking, "Do you know this gentleman?" Danny says, "It doesn't ring a bell." Horatio then whips out a picture of the recovered tattoo. Danny's parole officer orders him to pull up his right sleeve. Horatio says condescendingly, "Do what your parole officer says, Danny." Danny rolls up his sleeve. Horatio, upon seeing the tattoo, says, "So it does ring a bell." Actually, jerkwad, you showed him a picture of a prone man first and asked if that rang a bell. But why let consistency get in the way of a superiority complex? We find out that Danny did some robberies with the dead guy -- now identified as Thomas Carpenter -- and only Danny got caught. Vin Ethanol's all, "Without giving up your buddy?" Speedle jumps in, "You guys both have the same tattoo, you must be pretty close." Danny points down to the post-sodomy picture of Thomas and says, "Not that close." Horatio is openly doubtful: "No? I'm going to need a hair sample, Danny." Danny asks if maybe they need a warrant for that, and Vin reminds him that, as a felon, he effectively has nothing in the way of civil liberties or protection. Horatio adds, "Either you pull it out, my friend, or I will." Wow, Horatio really likes picking on the people he interrogates. Power trip much?

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CSI: Miami

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