CSI: Miami
Tinder Box

Episode Report Card
Sobell: F | Grade It Now!
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Come On, Baby. Light My Fire.

Moronic dance music plays in the background, and we get a few desultory shots of Miami at night so we know that Miami is a hot party town filled with hot party-loving people. A sports car of some sort zooms on by and ends up in front of a club. There are a lot of other sports cars there, and a queue by the door. Two hot party-loving women get out of the car and hand their keys to the valet without actually making eye contact with him or acknowledging his presence. They saunter to the door, where Ben (sigh) Browder says flirtatiously, "The girls have arrived." CBS might as well say the same thing about the Farscape fans who tuned in expressly for this episode. There's a little bit of coquettish badinage between the women and Ben (sigh) Browder -- and can you blame the women? -- and then they head inside. We hear, "DJ Scorpius is here!" It is literally the high point of this episode; enjoy the remaining 59-minute slide toward hell. For those of you who didn't watch Farscape, here's all you need to know to appreciate that joke: Ben (sigh) Browder played a space cowboy who, through various plot twists, acquired a sworn enemy named Scorpius. So now Ben (sigh) Browder is slumming on this network dreck, and the entire four-year narrative arc is reduced to a throwaway line which may or may not have been ad-libbed. Come on -- do you give the brain trust behind this show enough credit for the wit to come up with that one on their own?

We see DJ Scorpius kicking it dork-school style behind the turntable. Then we see people dancing. And then -- what do you know? Delko likes girls! He's busy whispering into the mouth of one. Speedle -- who appears to be his wingman -- takes one look at the scene and melts back into the crowd. Well, he needn't have bothered; Delko's new friend tells him she has to leave the bliss of his embrace because she's needed at the bachelorette party. Delko's all, "What party? What about you and me?" Oh, Delko. There is no bachelorette party. She lied to spare your feelings, okay? Don't push it. Actually, the girl's all, "Once I get my friend wasted, I'll abdicate responsibility for her so you and I can have a night of hasty drunken sex!" Or something to that effect. In the background, DJ Scorpius hollers, "Gs up, hos down. If you ain't quakin' and shakin' the bacon, you ain't playin'." This is simply awful. I wish the real Scorpius was DJ'ing. There's some more dancing, and then DJ Scorpius is all, "Yo, yo, let's kick it trance-style." Evidently kicking it trance-style requires pyrotechnics. And here I thought trance music was all about boring computer-generated art and pretentious light shows. Speedle's standing in the crowd, because he's either too cool to dance or he's practicing his Horatio Caine "I am a man alone, set apart by my divine mandate for justice" stance. Delko, however, is bobbing and grinning mindlessly; it's amazing what the prospect of inebriated casual sex can do for the morale.

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CSI: Miami

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