4 x 4

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B+ | Grade It Now!
Fantastic Four

Within seconds, Brass and Gil are doing a little light cardio on the Labitrail as Brass tells him that One-Cent vigorously denies ever having been in a Hummer, much less trying to steal one. Gil's all, "Well, we matched his blood on the gearshift and on the headband we found in the alley." Brass sighs, "And he's skinny, which matches one of the descriptions. I'm charging him."

Speaking of sardonic humor, it's Hodges Time. As Gil looks into what appears to be a microscope slide designed by Murikami, Hodges tells him, "The oily stain you collected from the Hummer's airbag was, ironically enough, oil. More specifically, lard." Gil observes that "it looks like there's tissue fibers mixed into it." Hodges replies, "Several different types, actually. So I ran an ELISA to differentiate. Pork, beef, chicken and possibly human flesh. A real taste treat." Gil looks thoughtful. Or hungry. It's hard to tell the difference. Anyway, Hodges natters on as Gil begins thinking of meat-lover's pizza, meatball sandwiches, meatloaf, soylent green...and finally notices that Grissom is on another, tastier plane of thought. "What are you thinking about?" Hodges asks. "Tacos," Gil breathes. And then the uniform from the two-minute mark pops up to point and shriek, "What did I tell you about those tacos?" Or not.

Cut to Gil ambling over to the taqueria we saw previously. He says, "Hola," and the guy heading up the stand replies, "Hola. Chicken, beef or pork, boss?" "Human, if you've got it," Gil replies. Because, really, it has been a while since we've had a cannibalism episode. Aren't we due? No? Anyway, in the actual episode, Gil asks for carnitas, and as the guy prepares his lunch, Gil asks all casual-like, "Say, have you had any trouble around here recently?" Gil flashes his ID, and the taco jockey replies, "Just a little scuffle yesterday. Nothing I couldn't handle." And how. We flash back to the gentleman tucking a few dollars into his apron. Then One-Cent and his sidekick come up, demanding, "Yo, Pops, give us the loot." The taco master picks that time to erect a language barrier and decide that in his home country, "give us the loot" translates into "knife One-Cent in the knee while tossing a pan of hot grease in the other guy's face." It's a very satisfying scene to watch, in a visceral and not-at-all-nice kind of way. Maybe it's that I really didn't like little One-Cent.

Gil asks, "Why didn't you file a police report?" Taco Master clucks, "Oh, bother you guys with something like that? I was a kid once. Those guys just needed someone to set them straight." Or stab and sear them straight. Potato, po-tah-to, you know? Taco Master hands over the carnitas and Gil takes them as if expecting to get a cleaver to the knuckles. Heh. Gil makes as if to pay, and Taco Master tells him it's on the house. Gil is in no mood to argue with a man who's so quick with the lard. He is, however, in a mood to dial Brass and tell him, "We need to go back to the hospitals. We may be looking for a burn patient."

Well, I'm sure Liam would be happy to send you over to one he knows about. But really, we're looking at a new burn patient, one Lawrence Lafontaine. As Brass comes in to arrest him, Lawrence is all, "Did Vern rat me out?" You know, it's hard to live the thug life with a name like Vern. Gil replies that it was a telltale taco. Lawrence snots, "Everyone in my 'hood knows that old taco guy. To get whupped by his old ass and not do anything about it?"

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