CSI
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Fantastic Four

Cut to Candice being all, "So my fingerprints were all over the RV. Can you blame me? That thing is a ski lodge, a beach house, and state-of-the-art virtual office. You know what else it is? Sex on wheels. I loves the cars when they get three miles to the gallon! There's nothing like the smell of the Cretaceous burning to get me hot and bothered! Rrrrrrr!" Vartann's all, "Right. And I'm just going to pretend that you protested how not-suspicious your actions were before telling you that yes, it looks a little funny to have you raffling off a Hummer hours after your roommate turns up dead." Candice protests that she's dedicated to her craft. Actually, she's dedicated to the idea of paying off her car insurance. Warrick notices the self-tanner on Candice's arm. She's all, "Forgot to rub it in, I guess." Warrick's not buying it: "Razor-tight girl like you forgetting to rub in tanning lotion." Candice looks up like she's expecting him to notice she needs a bikini wax too. Warrick continues, "That doesn't sound right to me. You know, the funny thing is, your girl Cris had streaks of tanner on her body too. Were you girls together last night?"

The tell-tale tanner prompts Candice to spill all. DemiPimp ordered the four models to hang out after work with Mr. Deluca. (You will recall that he's the one selling the wondrous RV that doubles as a ski lodge, a beach house, and state-of-the-art virtual office.) Vartann goggles at the prospect of a four-model party. Warrick snorts incredulously, and Candice snaps, "I'm not a hooker. All I do is these conventions. So when a big baller like Mr. Deluca comes into town and offers us a little cash to hang out, I'm with it." "With it where?" Vartann asks. Candice replies, "We had dinner at Fix, partied at Mix, then came back to the RV for Pick-Up Sticks. Then we did him in the van, and we did him in the can. We did him --" Warrick interrupts, "I do not like this tale, Vartann, I do not like it, 'Rick I am. Oh, stop, stop, stop before I pop. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!"

Sorry about that. Let's reset. 'Twas midnight, and the skanky hos / did gyre and gimble in the van.

Let's reset again. Candace reveals that everyone went back to the RV because Deluca was "hammered and horny." And smooth, if his opening line is anything to go by: "Who gets the first ride? Ha ha ha ha!" Candace is shocked sober at the prospect of taking the anti-joy ride. Do not weep, maiden, for booze is kind / Because your lover got you hammered/ in an RV / and your three colleagues are now drawing straws / Do not weep. / Booze is kind.

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CSI

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