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Sobell: B+ | Grade It Now!
Fantastic Four

Cris climbs over to him and Deluca is apparently not too drunk to snap, "If I wanted someone your age, I'd do my wife. Ha ha ha ha ha!" He then pushes Cris down before she snaps back, "And if you wife wanted unspectacular copulation, she'd do you." Dana and Lane promptly attach themselves to Deluca with the foolhardy brio of women who are still under the impression that they'll remain young and immortal. Candice comforts Cris, then slips out before Deluca can woo her by pointing out any personal flaws. Candice tells the guys that Deluca didn't even want to touch Cris; this baffles them, what with the sperm and the condom evidence. Candice points out that when she left, Dana and Lane were keeping God's Gift to Masochists busy and Cris was locked in the bathroom.

Cut to Deluca whining, "You want my prints? My DNA? Come on, guys -- I'm on vacation here." "Oh, our bad. We forgot how the Fourth Amendment protects your right not to be hassled on vacation," Warrick apologizes. Deluca protests that "my DNA is going to be all over that girl, but I didn't put it on her. She did. This broad was expiring like spoiled milk, and she was looking for a way out." Her way out: doing a little impromptu artificial insemination. Deluca admits that he reacted to this unorthodox attempt to jump-start the miracle of life by slapping Cris around a little. Vartann figures that it's also a swell reason to consider someone a murder suspect. Deluca points out, "If I killed her, do you think I'd have put her in my own motor coach? And then present it at an unveiling ceremony that I was announcing?" Vartann and Warrick exchange looks like, Crap. He has a point.

And then we're outside, with Nicky telling someone on the other end of his cell phone, "Yes, yes. I'm very aware of Butterfield Academy's privacy policy. But this is --" and then he fades out, because the camera switches to Warrick and Catherine strolling on by. Warrick's telling Catherine of the condoms: "On one of them, his DNA and her epithelials are on both sides...it does support his story." Catherine asks about the epithelials under Cris's nails, and Warrick's not quite sure. He's still working on the case. And when he's done, he can find the Surgeon General of Beverly Hills and get him to de-freeze Catherine's face. It's getting distracting.

Warrick's idea of working on the case is heading back to the car show and running his fingers through DemiPimp's gelled hair until he uncovers the furrows in his scalp from Cris's final fight. There's a TMIcam, because we haven't seen enough blood yet tonight. Really. Anyway, we wrap up this story with Warrick explaining DemiPimp's motives: "You were thinking how Cris pissed off your best client, and how much business it was going to cost you. You kill her, Deluca takes the fall, you can't lose." DemiPimp spits, "Cris was a nothing. Old news. Why would I risk everything for a zero like her?" "For that exact reason," Warrick replies. DemiPimp snaps, "That's a real good story. You find that in one of your forensic journals?" Who would have pegged DemiPimp as someone who even knew about reading? Much less someone familiar with the world of peer-reviewed publishing? Warrick snaps back, "When I match your DNA, I'll make sure you're on the cover." So Warrick's planning on submitting this to Criminal Jackasses Monthly. I love a happy ending!

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