CSI
Ch-Ch-Changes

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Boys Who Like Girls Who Are Boys

One hundred episodes, ninety-seven different attempts to come up with a different way to describe the establishing shot that reassures viewers the show has not been moved to Reno and staffed by Lt. Jim Dangle. That's right -- tonight's episode is the hundredth for the franchise that pulled CBS from Letterman punchline to...Letterman punchline, albeit one that's now monopolizing the top spots in the Nielsens. Due to the occasional absence, however, this is only my 97th recap of the original series, so my massive 100-episode celebration is still three recaps off. Now I've given you something to look forward to, haven't I?

And I have something to look forward to as well -- a warning telling me that "DUE TO ADULT CONTENT, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED." Excellent -- I'm breathless with anticipation. Which lascivious roundheels will get dispatched to a deserved grave tonight? That is why they have these warnings, right? Because women enjoying consensual sex are offensive until they're dead?

We'll see. Anyway, after a cursory, almost blurry shot of the Strip, we zoom down to a convertible doing somewhere between 80 miles per hour and Mach 2. The cop who's been assigned speeding duty is not amused, and he pulls over the convertible; the driver takes off her stylish Pucci-knockoff headscarf and fixes the police officer with a doe-eyed glance Walt Disney only wishes they could have thought of first. I've always admired women who can work the stylish head scarf thing; if I were to try it, I'd look like I was about to hoe potatoes on the Siberian steppe.

After a brief and breathy exchange beginning with the last thing you'd expect from someone pulled over for speeding ("Officer, thank God you're here"), the woman quickly tells a skeptical patrolman, "Someone is chasing me. You see, I have videos --" "I bet you do," the cop says, continuing, "Let's start with license and registration." Who puts those on vide-- Oh. The woman pleads, "Officer, if I could -- if I could just show you." The officer looks like he's not exactly a closet cineaste.

Cut to the poor woman, dead and bloodied, behind the seat of her convertible. Gil's snapping photos while Catherine runs around the rest of the crime scene. She finds a video camera that has no tape in it. Gil says nothing to this. Catherine notes tire tracks and says, "Not much traffic makes it easier to run someone off the road and slash their throat." Gil adds, "She was slashed south of the border as well." In Taco Bell? That's something they never warn you about. Catherine looks down at the bloody body and comments, "Women in convertibles are low-hanging fruit." Gil does NOT quip, "Let's get the motherplucker who did this." Instead, he's all, "And it was a top-down night."

The Who want to know who's been writing the awful bumper lines this season.

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CSI

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