CSI

Episode Report Card
Sobell: C | 273 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
It's A Bouncing Baby Spin-off

They say Paris is the City of Lights, but I suspect that phrase was coined before the Strip arose in Las Vegas. We see a few shots of the Strip at night, then swoop across the globe to an English mansion. Oh, wait. Silly me -- I forgot that Las Vegas has apparently moved from a desert biome to the rainforest. Anyway: big mansion filled with revelers, all in cocktail-party garb. They alternate between grabbing the hors d'oeuvres and grabbing each other. Loud music plays in the background to signal to the CBS demographic that this is supposed to be a wretched excess. We zoom outside the mansion for a moment so we can get a view of a little girl staring out the window. She sadly watches a few couples lurching across the lawn on their way to assorted assignations. Then we're back inside, where a brunette party girl has just draped herself over a balding man someone checked out of the "Corrupt Authority Figure" locker over in Central Casting. "We should have these parties more than once a month," she coos. The fellow diverts his attention from the arm candy on his left to address her comment: "I wouldn't want Mina to be jealous." We get a better look at the brunette's face; it looks like someone's checked Kari Wuhrer out of the "Harlot" locker for the night as well. She's always given off a faintly tawdry vibe; even on Sliders, one got the sense she possessed a certain moral laxity coupled with a few hobbies best not discussed in polite company. Anyway, the women all simper and writhe; clearly, someone told them, "Now if you want to act sexy, remember how women looked in hair band videos from 1988. Preen and arch your backs a lot. It worked for Tawny Kitaen." There's a few seconds of this, and the chief notices a silhouetted figure standing in the doorway. "Who's that guy?" he asks. Kari replies, "Hey, Chief, I didn't know you were into guys too." He laughs -- because she's evidently the erotic equivalent of Dorothy Parker -- and the three commence doing things I'm sure you can see in Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle-Jerk.

Naturally, this is when the little girl decides to open the door. She peeks out to see a group of adults heading into a bedroom, then hops back into bed. The resigned expression on her face is pitiable. The clock reads 12:20 AM, and the child settles down for the night. The next shot returns to the clock to establish that it's 3:45 AM. There are two gunshots; the little girl bolts upright, looking quite wary. "Daddy?" she calls. She swings her legs over the edge of the bed, clearly psyching herself up to leave its relative safety and open her bedroom door. The door opens first, the door slowly squeaking open. The man in the doorway is backlit so we don't see his features. The little girl does. As the door opens wider, we see her face growing more fearful.

CSI

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