CSI

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B- | 841 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Plump Fiction

Cut to an under-the-table shot of a pair of cowboy boots, next to a pair of sneakers. Then we zoom up and around, where Brass is backlit so he looks more menacing. He says tersely, "I'm going to get right to it, because time is of the essence here. Where'd you get that package, bud?" We soon see that the cowboy boots are attached to a cornpone lawyer, who says, "Ah'd lakd to advahz mah client. Keeahful how yew ansuh that, son. This maahn heah's slickah than a snake in the curleh green grahss." Without losing a beat, Brass says, "He's right. So you better be careful. Be guarded in your answers -- tell me nothing! Caution's the watchword!" See how ambiguous "be careful" is? The delivery mope tells us he was called to a pickup, but when he got there, he merely found an abandoned package with some cash taped to it. Since this country's had nothing in the way of terrorism-related mail scares in the past few years, he thought nothing of taking the abandoned package. Brass wants to know how much cash, and this is when Cornpone, Esq. decides that "thaht's cahnfiddenshul bidness between me an' this heah buckaroo." Brass points out that they'd like to know because the cash, it is evidence. With no small amount of joy, the delivery boy snots that they'll have to get it back from the casino in which he blew it.

And now we have a scene in which some total geek -- we can tell because he's a) bearded, b) pudgy, c) sporting a "Lucio Fulci: Godfather of Gore" t-shirt, so we know the guy's a genre-film buff, and d) decorating with The Punisher posters -- is passed out in a chair, blithely snoring away while the police break down his door. And this is how Brass concludes that the delivery pickup address is part of a false trail the perp laid down. He tells Gil, "Nothing but a fat drunk and a bad smell." Ha! It's funny when gory film directors make fun of ardent movie fans!

As Brass jaws with Gil, we learn that Archie's trying to track the IP address for the Web camera, the feed stays active for two minutes every time someone presses a button, and Gil's got things to talk to and people to do. Or vice-versa. As he strides off, the camera pulls in on Ecklie's back; he's busy telling a bunch of extras that "I have some bad news." To impart how bad the news is, the camera swings to a full-on shot of Ecklie, who says, "A little while ago, I spoke with the mayor directly. The city of Las Vegas is not going to finance a ransom. Oscar Goodman said he'd rather blow the money on gin and major league baseball -- something about bribing the Marlins to move? Anyway, better hope this CSI kidnapping is a one-time thing, or else tell your parents to think about a line of credit. Just in case." Okay, actually Ecklie regurgitates the line that it's against department policy to negotiate with terrorists, no exceptions.

CSI

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