Grave Danger

Episode Report Card
Sobell: C+ | 2 USERS: A+
Plump Fiction

Speaking of specimens to bag, it's Warrick in the locker room with Nicky. He's in a wife-beater. Nicky is in his work triceps, and his work vest. Warrick is regaling us all with a monologue that gives him more lines in one night than he's had in the previous 23 episodes this season. Put together. It goes like this: "So I took my girl to that ultimate fight championship on Saturday night. Almost ended up getting into a smackdown of my own...you know, Tina doesn't like me carrying a gun. I play down the fact that I'm a cop, when I'm with her anyway?" Nicky interjects, "Yeah, yeah, you play the scientist card. You're a cop-o-logist." Both men laugh. Warrick continues, "So we're standing out in front of the hotel, making out and this guy walks up to me and gets in my face, and asks me how she is." Reliably, Nicky gasps, "No, he didn't!" Warrick then details how he nearly gets in a fight with the guy and "out of nowhere, his big, fat bodyguard, looking like Wimpy from Popeye, walks up and starts to close in on me." Nicky confirms that this took place in front of the hotel. And with this garrulous stranger formerly known as Warrick. Mr. Brown continues, "We were in valet parking, which might as well be in Arizona, it's so far away from the lobby, this fat boy is looking like he's obviously carrying some kind of weapon, and I'm standing there, naked as a porn star with my girl." Nicky says anxiously, "Did you tell them you're a cop?" Warrick replies that the guy didn't care -- it was a Russian mafia thing. He continues, "I wasn't physically afraid of the guys, but there was something kind of sinister about them. They were provoking me, but they weren't making a move. It was almost like they were waiting for me to make a move, say if I smacked Big Mouth, Fat Boy would have come over and stabbed me or something."

Nicky interrupts to say, "And this long, tedious story relates to me being abducted by a stranger…how?" Or not. Warrick eventually gets to the end of My Gun, My Dick and assures us all that the little woman now understands that Warrick doesn't go anywhere without his gun. And then he adds that he went back to the hotel on Sunday to go look for the two men what mouthed off to him. Because if it's one thing that's been consistent about Warrick's character from Day One, it's his total inability to keep his cool, coupled with his lust for taking revenge on anyone who's ever wronged him. ["And you can't even blame QT for this weirdness in the first half, at least from a writing standpoint; Shankar, Mendelsohn, and Zuiker share the writing credit for the finale. If Tarantino had written these scenes himself, at least I could have understood the mischaracterization, if not condoned it, but no -- it's the series creator, mimicking Tarantino, and it really doesn't work. Write for the characters, not for the has-been helmer. …Hi, I'm lecturing. Sorry, Sobell." -- Sars]

Anyway, these two finally quit pretending they're Jules and Vern, leave the locker room, and run straight into Catherine. She chirps, "Oh, my two favorite guys. So! I've got an assault at Stripperama and a trash run at Flamingo and Koval. I'm too busy to play favorites, so duke it out." A quick coin toss later, and Nicky's got the trash pickup, while Warrick's off to Stripperama. Nicky gets in the last word by wandering off and singing, "I'd do two out of three, but you've got a gambling problem." And then he turns around and tosses Warrick the tell-tale quarter, saying, "You keep this. It's bad luck."

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