What's Eating Gilbert Grissom?

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B+ | Grade It Now!
This episode had nothing to do with food

"Pounds of flesh?" Ava asks. No, devils. Gil's planning on staging a musical version of Dante's Inferno. There won't be a dry eye in the house during "Beatrice, My Baby." Gil then plucks a bone from the writhing morass of larvae and asks Ava, "Were you aware that the average college student weighs 135 pounds?"

The Who wants to know if that's before or after the Freshman Fifteen.

It's now daylight. Nicky's hunkered down, scooping up the hung over larvae while some officious university type asks, "How long is this going to take?" Ava rebukes him with, "If something happened to one of our students, wouldn't you want to know?" The university suit blah-blahs about the fine line between caring about the students and caring about their sweet, sweet tuition checks. Actually, he blah-blahs about curiosity and panic and Gil looks up to cluck, "This stopped being about my curiosity when I found a human tooth." The university suit is all, "Well, fine, but did you have to announce your find in front of a huge crowd of yammering students?" Gil continues to create a university PR nightmare with, "We're now investigating a possible homicide."

Nicky tries to change the subject with, "Hey, Grissom, why is it hot?" and Gil executes the Heteromorphic Oath by explaining, "Maggots generate heat of up to 125 degrees. Heat increases the rate of putrefaction, which speeds up the digestive process." And it's maggot spring break, so it's hot fun for all the larvae. Nicky asks how long it'd take for the maggots to pick a body clean, and Gil says, "Assuming it's just one body? A few days." Nicky moves on to the next logical question: "I have a hard time believing if a corpse was here, no one saw it. These bones? They're uniform. Same size and shape." Gil points out that the bones are the same size as the woodchips covering the wet, maggoty area.

So Gil takes a trip to the woodshed. He asks the wood chipper operator, "Can a human head fit through there?" "You planning something?" the guy shoots back. Heh. Gil likes his pluck, so he introduces himself: "Gil Grissom, Las Vegas Crime Lab." "Walter Beerly, Master of the Universe," Walt says. He waxes rhapsodic about the awesome crushing power of the machine, a topic I find vastly boring. Long story short: Gil finds human blood in the wood chipper.

Ten minutes in, and it's the first montage of the episode. Liam's sorting the maggots, separating them all with the cruel caprice that kept Justin from Kelly until the very end of the most boring bad movie I have ever seen. (My only consolation: it was on HBO for free, and when I switched over to the Spanish-language HBO channel, it became more viewable simply because then actual actors were dubbing the lines. Anyway.) Nicky comes in and ribs Liam that he's on the clock, because in 24 hours, the maggots' bloom of youth will fade and they'll be hairy old flies. Is this the larvae that I once knew / Is this my friend up at the corpse? / I don't remember getting older / When's the second course?/ Sunrise, sunset…

As Liam continues picking fragments out of the maggot/manure/wood chip/ bone chip stew, Mia comes in to ogle Gil. She asks him what he's doing, and he explains that since she didn't get any DNA results off the porcelain crown, he's dissecting the little maggots, as they're going to be filled with juicy victim DNA. This is where the maggot spring break metaphor runs completely off the rails, because Gil is committing wholesale maggot murder, and that can only conjure up a little maggot Horatio Caine, intoning, "That maggot was somebody's daughter. She left behind 856 grieving sisters." Also, it doesn't help that Aisha Tyler played Calleigh's doomed friend Lawyer Janet in the last episode of CSI: Miami I recapped, so she triggers flashbacks. In any event, Mia coos about what a freakin' genius Gil is, and promises him "one maggot colada, coming right up."

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