Hedging Your Bets

Episode Report Card
Tippi Blevins: B | Grade It Now!
A Kick in the Cattle Baron's Balls
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Dallas, it was two minutes ago. We pick up with Christopher and Rebecca after their wedding. They have sex with their underwear still on. Either they're very bad at this, or they're so good that not even multiple layers of cloth can get in their way. Elsewhere, Elena mopes over a printout of the mystery email and refuses to answer her phone when John Ross calls her. John Ross eventually gives up and then meets up with his daddy and Marta Del Sol in the nursing home dining room. J.R. wants to talk to Elena's father about the shady deal they're working, but the home won't let him make international calls from his room. "Now, what am I gonna do about that?" he asks. You go up to the nursing home administrator and you say, "I'm J.R. Goddamned Ewing and I want to make an international phone call!" Or you could just use a cell phone, but whatever.

Later, John Ross walks Marta out to her car and promises they'll celebrate like they did back in the old days. You know, with the sex and all. But for now, he wants to keep things strictly personal. Also, they have to keep J.R. from talking to Carlos Del Sol or their evil plans will be ruined. Then, despite John Ross's insistence on not mixing business with pleasure, they start making out in the parking lot. J.R. sees all of this from his window. He look of unsurprised amusement carries us into the opening credits.

The newlyweds wake up the next day and realize they're about to miss their flight to Tahiti, but then decide not to go on their honeymoon just yet. They're going to stick around and try to talk Bobby out of selling Southfork.

Speaking of Bobby, he's in a lot of pain and clutching his side. It's a different side than he was clutching in the last episode. Ann sees him and follows him on horseback to a tree where all the family lovebirds have carved their names over the years. Ann tells Bobby about finding his medication and he tells her about his upcoming surgery. He doesn't want to tell Christopher about it, though, because it'll ruin his honeymoon. They cry and hug and gaze lovingly upon their names on the tree trunk. Guess Bobby never took Pam out to the tree.

John Ross, tired of Elena ignoring his calls, goes to see her in person. She confronts him about the email, which she thinks he sent. He seems genuinely surprised by it. In fact, once he realizes that the email is the only reason she's not still with Christopher, he's kind of pissed and leaves all in a huff.

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