After his attempted seppuku, the noble Uncle Pete was rushed to the hospital by the FBI, who continue their questionable behavior by immediately calling Ellen to tell her the news. Pete’s hospitalization and suicide note has Patty stumped. She knows he was up to something, but what? The fact that he brought fake clients home isn’t helping clear things up, either. But Patty isn’t feeling particularly suspicious, she’s just sad that her Uncle Pete is dying.
When Patty’s husband gives her the news that UNR is expecting an influx of capital, crafty lady that she is she puts together the douchey energy trader, the falling stock price and the merger and realizes that Walter Kendrick is somehow manipulating the energy markets. Luckily, Tom is all over the hooker beat and manages to scare the pants off Susie (no money required!) in an attempt to convince her to rat on Finn, the aforementioned douchey energy trader.
Meanwhile, Cheeseburger continues his assault on Frobisher, trying to get him to withdraw from the UNR lawsuit and get out of the damn media spotlight already. When Frobisher still insists on making amends and walking the path of the righteous, Cheeseburger pays a visit to his bunny-petting guru (not a euphemism). After the guru switches teams, Frobisher makes amends to a hooker in the back of a limo, and withdraws from the lawsuit. Does this mean Frobisher is off the show again? Somehow I doubt it.
Patty’s day isn’t getting any better. In fact she is having a giant ice cream sundae of Suck. First it turns out that her husband is taking insider trading tips from Lester, a.k.a. Dave, then he bought stock in UNR. WTF Phil? Then, as Uncle Pete wakes up, he reveals that the FBI has him over a barrel: either give them Patty or go to jail and away from his dying wife. Patty tells him to go ahead and give her up. The whipped cream of misery on that sundae of suck is that Frobisher had a Cheeseburger conversion and is pulling out of the lawsuit. Patty claims she doesn’t care because there are new potential plaintiffs, but you know she does. She really does. The cherry of doom on top of that sucky ice cream sundae? Pete’s hired gun, Patrick, gets wind of Pete’s imminent demise and rushes to his bedside only to find out that Pete is actually on the mend. Patrick can’t risk Pete having a deathbed conversion and telling the FBI about their attempted murder of Ellen, so he takes matters into his own hands and poisons Pete. So long, Uncle Pete! Maybe for real this time. Unless it turns out Aricite actually reanimates the dead, like in Resident Evil. Raccoon City might be in West Virginia, right?
Ellen is being haunted by David, giving further (and completely unmerited) credence to my thoughts on Aricite. Her interactions with his ghost send her running back to grief counseling and closer to Wes.
Three months later, Pete’s wife finds a box of files with Ellen Parsons' name on it, so she decides to meet Ellen and give her the files. Hey, they have her name on it, right? Cut to her waving her gun in the air talking to a blurry person. The blurry person becomes un-blurry and it’s: Patty! Whoa. Patty is begging Ellen not to shoot her. Ellen admits that the gun is not even loaded. Then Ellen pulls out the file Pete’s wife gave her, and Patty breaks the Botox barrier and looks shocked, then... two gunshots. Good thing we all know Ellen is a shite shot. But, man, Patty’s day sucks.
Last week, Uncle Pete swallowed a handful of pills in order to get out of the awkward situation of either going to jail or turning in Patty. Also, Tom got to hang out with hookers and a cocaine-like substance was snorted in primetime (primetime, people!), giving credence to those adult content warnings.
Ellen wakes up in the middle of the night and sleepily fumbles around for a bottle of pills. She gets up for a glass of water and as she turns back to bed she runs smack into David. That's what you get for trying to survive on nothing but Dexatrim, vodka and Scope, honey! Ellen actually doesn't seem all that surprised to see him. Like yeah, it's a small town and she was bound to run into her dead fiancé sooner or later. David is wearing his scrubs and tells her she's not dreaming, but is having a hypnoponic hallucination. O.R. you a doctor, then David? Ellen totally gets it. She apologizes for moving out of the apartment and he laughs because he always hated that place. He holds up the bottle of pills and she defensively claims she only takes them when she can't sleep. Or instead of food. They taste like marshmallows and love! David the doctor shakes his head. Ellen's phone rings and she turns to look. David asks if it is Patty and she says no, it's the FBI. He giggles that she's a Fed now and she smiles and corrects him that she's an informant. He asks her if she is going to answer and she says she'll just be one minute. Leaving David to scratch his head in amazement that he broke several laws of faith, spirituality, and physics to come check up on his fiancée and she answers her freakin' Blackberry. WTF, Ellen? Did you learn nothing from all the fights you and David had last season about your priorities? No? Ellen picks up the phone and Agent Glenn tells her that Pete tried to kill himself last night and they aren't sure if he is going to make it. Ellen looks for David, but he's gone. Wouldn't you be?
Patty sits at Pete's bedside. She asks Magda (a.k.a. Stephania, Pete's long-suffering wife) why Pete would have done this. Magda says she doesn't know. She tells Patty that Pete came home yesterday with two clients and then disappeared into the bathroom. Patty interrupts her to ask whose clients they were and Magda says they were Patty's. Patty doesn't say anything and Magda continues with her summary of events: When Pete and "the clients" left, she went into the bathroom and found the empty pill bottles and a note. She hands Patty the note, which she saved and brought with her just in case anyone asked. So if Pete was with the FBI when he collapsed and they apparently brought him to the hospital, who called his wife? Did Mario Van Peebles call her up and say he tried to kill himself and he's in the hospital please don't ask any questions? Patty looks really sad as she flashes back to what I assume are her (lousy) childhood memories. There is some yelling and a "get the hell out of my way Pete!" and Patty running to hide. Little girl Patty is really cute, and it's kind of sad to think she is going to grow up and look like Glenn Close. No offense.