Well, wow. I'll be the first to admit that I was wrong. I was wrong about Ellen, I was wrong about Patty. I was not wrong about Mr. Cheeseburger and I guessed about Tom. What about you, smartypants? Did you do better? Head to the forums and dish.
I really don't know where to start in this supersized episode. So I'll start with… Frobisher. He makes a gratuitous appearance to let us all know his life is back on track and he's out of the cult. He may still be doing yoga though. Storyline one: tied up.
Wes meets up with Cheeseburger and announces that he is not going to kill Ellen. I know, I know, you're all disappointed. Cheeseburger takes matters into his own hands and heads to Ellen's hotel room to silence her, permanently. But Wes is prepared for this and out draws Cheeseburger, who with a gun to his head, agrees to get out. Now that's the Seth Bullock we all know and love. Now will you please grow your moustache back? Cheeseburger is not done with Ellen though. He puts on his best Officer Friendly face and goes to her office with the news that there is a leak in the police department and she better keep quiet and never call the police about her fiancé's murder. Ellen is suspicious enough to check out Cheeseburger with her PI, but he appears to come out clean. When Ellen receives files from Uncle Pete's widow (Magda!) that seemingly implicate Patty, she gets Cheeseburger to agree to meet her. She doesn't tell Wes, so it is a big surprise when Cheeseburger gets in the car to meet Ellen and Wes shoots him in the head. Gross? Yes. Deserved? Yes. Cheeseburger finally gets his comeuppance and goes to the Burger Heaven in the sky.
Daniel Purcell is sitting in jail and he is happy there. When Patty comes to ask him to continue helping in the case against UNR, he says no. He wants to take full responsibility for what he did and not be a part of the Kendrick case anymore.
Jill and Michael come into Patty's apt. Patty asks Jill if she wants a drink and while Mike is upstairs. He's going to change and he finds out that his mom emptied his room because he told her he does not want to go to college and Patty decided that he couldn't live off her anymore either. Patty tells Michael and Jill that she sent all of Mike's stuff to Jill's since she wanted him anyway.
Kendrick and his new legal team can not believe that the judge is even willing to consider letting the stolen SUV and the GPS codes into evidence. But Patty knows she has the judge in her pocket and, in the wake of Tom's firing, agrees to let Ellen do the drop off of the bribe. But before she let's Ellen's bribe virginity go, she has another plan: Finn Garrity. Patty gives him a one-shot get out of jail free card if he agrees to testify against Kendrick and Dave Pell. Garrity panics and goes to Dave Pell and Kendrick and demands an ownership stake in UNR for all his trouble. As if, douchebag. Kendrick's smacked bigger heads than yours into urinals for less. But instead of hitting Garrity, Kendrick hits his hooker, which is really below the belt. At that Garrity has a change of heart and begs Patty to let him testify. She says it is too late. She has a new plan.
What new plan? Well, Patty went to meet Dave Pell (at church, which is good for an evil man's soul) she told him about the market manipulation in front of God. Dave Pell barely blinks, because he knows about the planned bribery of the judge and thinks they can be help each other out. Ever the smart cookie, Patty guesses that Ellen is an informant, a fact Dave confirms. He agrees to call off the Feds if Patty will simply forget everything she knows about UNR and market manipulation. Patty is not quite satisfied with settling for amnesia. She still wants Kendrick. Dave is okay with throwing the old white dude under the bus. Dave will get her the evidence she needs about Aricite. Patty wants to set up Ellen for bribing a judge and they agree to the deal. Patty receives all the information she needs on a fancy little jump-drive and Dave Pell calls off Agent Glenn.
Patty calls Ellen to hand off the money for bribing the judge. Ellen jumps into action. She has convinced Tom that if he gets her a gun she will get the FBI off his back and he agrees. She picks it up before meeting with the FBI. Ellen tells Agent Glenn that she knows it is a dirty investigation, but she's past the caring stage. Agent Glenn agrees and tells Ellen that if she gets Patty to go through with the bribe, she can do whatever she wants to Patty. Um, nice. So Patty is in the elevator going to meet Ellen and that is when Finn Garrity jumps in the elevator. What I didn't mention before is that when Patty turns him down for testifying, the cokehead greasy-haired douchebag STABS PATTY. Sorry for shouting, but geez! For some reason, Patty is determined to go through the meeting with Ellen hands her the briefcase with the money for the judge. Unfortunately for Patty's ER aspirations, Ellen wants to talk. Patty plays clueless and Ellen makes a drink. Ellen pulls out the gun and waves it around and pulls out the files from Uncle Pete's wife. Patty is definitely concerned when she opens the file and it has a piece of paper in it written, "The Feds are watching us." The FBI guy seems nervous and then Ellen shoots the gun twice and the FBI guy runs out of the van. Ellen only shot the camera though and tells Patty that she is an informant for the Feds. Ellen tells Patty that Patty is not so nice, and that what Ellen really wants to hear is that Patty tried to have her killed. Patty admits it. Ellen thanks, picks up the gun, says they are going to have to find another way to win the case since everyone knows the judge is going to be bribed. Patty tells Ellen to give the briefcase to the judge anyway and Ellen doesn't get why, but agrees to give the judge the money. Wes, who has wisely taken the room across from Ellen, sees Ellen leave out the peephole, but can't stop her before she gets in the elevator. Luckily he is able to help Patty get to the hospital.
When Ellen hands the judge the bribe, the FBI arrests her. As she is being lead out in handcuffs, a US Marshall tells the dirty Agent Glenn to step away from the prisoner. Then the US Attorney's office arrests Agent Glenn! And who is behind the US Attorney? Tom. Ellen seems very surprised. Really Ellen? You fell for the fake firing twice? Anyway, Agent Glenn is in an interrogation room listening to the tape Patty made when she met Dave in the church. Agent Glenn identifies Dave Pell's voice and Lester is off to jail. With the information Dave Pell gave Patty on Kendrick, Walter is picked up for his crimes against humanity, too. Tom confirms to Ellen, who is gaping and slack jawed at the events unfolding around her, that Patty figured it all out. She told Tom and Tom told his sister, the Assistant US Attorney. And there we are. Loose ends tied up. I for one am speechless. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts for the full recap, but for now? Wow.
It's the Season Finale! That magical time of year when loose ends and plot arcs are delivered neatly tied up with shiny paper and satin ribbon. It's like Christmas, but with guns.
Ellen with her smoky eyeshadow and perfect hair takes a swig of Scotch or Irish whiskey and looks down her nose at Patty who is sweating and wide eyed in what looks an awful lot like terror. Not because of fear of getting upstaged by her pretty little co-star, but because Ellen has a gun and pint glass of liquor and that is usually a bad combination. Except, you know, at Christmas. Then, in a scene we've seen peppered throughout all thirteen episodes of this season, Ellen says to Patty, it looks like you're not going to tell the truth, takes another swig, admits that she lied too, points the gun and fires off two bullets. The scene then rewinds, (complete with old school tape rewind noise! Where'd they get that, the National Archives?) until we see Patty standing at Ellen's hotel room door, and Ellen asking her to come in. Something tells me we're going to see more of that later.
Patty and Kendrick are in what looks like a pre-trial conference with the two sides arguing in front of the judge around a table. In a sad reminder that she fired Tom, Patty sits all alone on her half of the conference table facing Kendrick and his new lawyer who is far less attractive and talented than Claire Maddox. Despite Kendrick's assurance that his new counsel is up to speed on the intricacies of the case, no one believes him. The notClaire guy quickly tells the judge that Patty's motion is saddled with ethical problems, because the only way she could have procured the evidence she is seeking to enter would be from the SUV she stole. Hmm, looks like the new guy catches on pretty quickly actually. Patty snorts, "That's ludicrous." And, no offense Glenn, but you totally looked like my grandma when you said that. But no worries 'cause my grandma is foxy. Patty doesn't bother defending herself any more than calling the grand theft auto charge malarkey and announces that she is going to prove that UNR and Kendrick used insider information to make millions off the energy market. NotClaire points out that Patty would not have any evidence to submit without the illegally procured secret code. The judge cuts off further argument and dismisses them so he can read their briefs, which are not underwear. As the parties leave, the judge pulls Patty aside and reminds her that so far he is inclined to side with the defense. That undercurrent of meaning you're sensing? That's legalese for "Pay me off!" Luckily, Patty speaks fluent judge and understands exactly what he means.