Dance Your Ass Off

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
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All That Jazz

Mara is fourth. We're reminded that she and her partner aren't getting along and then the subject suddenly changes to Mara's diabetes. She meets with Dr. H and tells him that her brother died from diabetes because he didn't even know he had it. Dr. H is appalled. For real. This isn't the 1700s. Diabetes is easily diagnosable. See your doctor! Mara says that her brother's death was not the wake-up call for her that it should have been. But now after a month on this show her diabetes is already much improved, which really shows you how bad it is for your body to be obese. Anyway, time for the dance! It's a tango, so it's sexy and snappy and Mara does a great job with it. And Paul is strong enough to lift her up, which is very impressive. Mayte thought the all-important connection was there but tells Mara to watch her toes. Nevertheless, she gives her an 8. Lisa liked it as well and also gives Mara an 8. Danny says he was looking forward to seeing how "You Spin Me Round" worked as a tango and he loved what they did with it. But then he only gives Mara a 7. That's an average of 7.7, so she's already beaten Miles. Mara is very happy with this score, saying she was terrified of doing the tango, which never showed on her face during the dance, where she looked confident and determined. As for weight loss, she took off 5 pounds for a percentage of 2.03 and a total of 9.73. Mara is overcome with emotion and doesn't know what to do but wave her arms around.

There are only three contestants left to dance. Ruben is next, which means Alicia and Trice are in the bottom two. Ruben cries in an interview that he's finally noticing his weight loss in the mirror because he's starting to look "normal." I think normal is fat these days, so you're already there, Ruben! He reminds us of his boyfriend that he left in an ICU to be on this show and then he's meeting with Nutritionist Meg. Did she sign a new contract saying she'd be in every segment this episode or something? Ruben says that he used to eat a good 4,000 calories a meal at a certain restaurant, thanks to an appetizer that had 1,500 of them. Could it be ... the Awesome Blossom at Chili's??? It's so good. But they had to take it off the menu because it kills people. Then he had a pasta dish with over 2,000 calories and a cheesecake for desert. Damn, that's just gross. Now he's eating asparagus, and the way his body feels makes the smelly pee worth it.

And now it's time for the dreaded foxtrot. Ruben is wearing the weird eye makeup again. I'm not sure how well the song and the dance go together, but Ruben does a great job with it, as usual. He ends with the devil horns hand sign, which just doesn't belong there at all. Not the least little bit. For so many reasons. Mayte says it's clear that Ruben loves to dance, but he's anticipating his moves. But she gives him an 8. Lisa dings Ruben for not having enough foxtrot steps in favor of "crowd-pleasing rock and roll moves." Again, that's the choreographer's fault and also, the song does not go with foxtrot moves! I really think they did the best they could. She gives Ruben a 6. Danny agrees that foxtrot and "Old Time Rock & Roll" do not mix and he even makes a Paris Hilton joke to hit that point home. Danny, you are a good dance show judge. But you are not a good comedian. Danny says Ruben made it work, and he gives him an 8. That gives Ruben a very nice average of 7.3. And then he loses a ridiculous 10.3 pounds for a percentage of 3.64 and a total of 10.94 and first place. Ringer! Ruben has lost 41.8 pounds in one month like he's on The Biggest Loser or something.

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Dance Your Ass Off

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