Dance Your Ass Off

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | 1 USERS: A+
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Dancing With The Candy Bars

Angela, 24, used to be a model before gaining 55 pounds in the last two years. Yikes. That sounds like either a past or a present eating disorder to me. I don't know if dancing can really cure that. Ruben, 43, walks in shortly after her and tells us he used to be a professional dancer, so hello, Ringer. Ruben is gay and left his partner of seven years in ICU recovering from cancer to be on this show. Dance your priorities off, Ruben! Mara, 32, from Detroit, claims that diabetes runs in her family, as her brother died from it and she and her mother suffer from it. She wants to make a change. Tara, 32, from Orlando, says being a mother is her first priority unless she gets cast on a reality show, at which point she dumps the kids and seeks fortune and fame. Shayla, 27, used to be very much in shape, as her home submission video shows. Then she gained 80 pounds over ten years, which seems like a lot until you realize that it's just eight pounds a year, which is less than a pound a month, and you see how it can sneak up on you. Warren is 29 and wants to show his kids that you can be healthy as long as there's a reality show in it for you.

Now that everyone has arrived, Trice wants us to know that she's here to win, not to make friends, because there's always one reality show contestant who has to say that. MJW finally saunters in and everyone feels the need to hug her. Nobody hugs Jeff Probst like this. What the hell? Hands off the host! This isn't Dance Your Personal Space Off. Alicia says that MJW is the only "plus-sized girl" she's ever seen to make it in Hollywood. Alicia clearly doesn't get out much. It's not easy to be large and in charge, but it's not impossible, either. Please don't let MJW be your example of the most a larger woman can achieve in the entertainment business. MJW and her giant hair repeat that this competition will change everyone's life. She explains the contest: each contestant will be paired up with a professional dancer. They will also meet with Dr. Huizenga, the weight loss reality show whore. Are there no other doctors in Los Angeles to choose from besides this clown? Or maybe they're all too busy taking their careers seriously. Contestants will have a nutritionist, personal trainer, choreographer and costume designers at their disposal. And they have their own private lofts with a gym and dance rehearsal rooms next door, which is very nice indeed. No military-style tackily-decorated apartments for these contestants! When MJW tells them there will be a live audience and judges watching their weekly dance routines, Ruben acts like he had no idea that was coming. The eliminated contestant will be determined by a combination of weight loss and dance scores. The winner gets $100,000. "If I win this money, I'm gonna go shopping," Mara says. Yes, that's wise. The rest of the contestants have better things to spend their money on, like college and mothers. With that, everyone gets to meet with creepy Dr. H, who scolds them for their various obesity-induced health problems, not like that's much of a motivator for these people. Brandon is diabetic and he still eats candy bars and donuts. Alicia bursts into tears for the second time in the first 10 minutes of this show and whines a lot. Dr. H tries to defend the bad food pantry, saying it's there to give the contestants the same temptations they'll face in the real world, when we all know it's just there to be mean.

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Dance Your Ass Off

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