Dancing With The Stars

Episode Report Card
Kim: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Performance 4

Last week, according to Tom, the Gute got the boot! The special effects department blows their budget for the entire season when they put television static in Gute's goggle lenses so he looks like a robot. Number five is alive! Also, everyone is gunning for Kristi, since she's the scoring leader. And tonight's show? Is LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Samantha and Tom introduce the couples. Oh, no. Adam is wearing a fake mustache. I fear "hilarity" will ensue. Holy Karina's boobs. Who knew she was hiding those things under her costumes? Well, probably every straight red-blooded American male (and some gay females) watching this show.

Kristi and Mark are up first this week, probably to avoid accusations that they keep getting the pimp spot. Last week, the judges felt that Kristi didn't deliver enough "emotional engagement." My husband just pointed out that Kristi has the Shannen Doherty eye wonk, where one is higher than the other. He even knew to cite Shannen Doherty as the gold standard of uneven eye placement; I'm so proud. Then he highbrows it and says it looks like she was painted by Salvador Dali. Why am I even here? I'm just going to let him do these weecaps from now on. Unfortunately, he usually leaves the room in disgust halfway through the episode, so I guess you're stuck with me. This week, Kristi and Mark have the paso doble. Mark is dressed as, you guessed it, a bullfighter, in a burgundy suit with gold trim. The song starts and it's..."Blue Monday?" By New Order? Except the singer is singing the words like it's an opera, so he sounds like Will Ferrell when he used to do the music teachers skit with Ana Gasteyer on SNL. OK, people ripped on Marks' guppy faces last week, but I thought it was a one-off, but he's doing it again this week. He needs to tone that shit down. I don't like the choreography either. It's well-executed, but it doesn't look much like a paso doble to me, and I think this was a misstep for them.

But what do the judges think? Len tells Kristi that she can't dance bad. Yeah, but he can speak bad. And without the use of adverbs. Maybe it's a British thing. Anyway, Len has the small criticism that Kristi didn't show enough emotion. Bruno, who's wearing a glitter suit, disagrees -- he loved the emotion and the technical perfection. Carrie Ann thinks Kristi and Mark set the gold standard and raise the bar for everyone else. Man, was I off. Maybe the crappy cover of their song threw me. Backstage, Samantha asks Kristi if she thinks this might earn her a 10. Does it? Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10 for a total of 29. Wow. I need my dance judger recalibrated, because I didn't like it at all. I would give it a 7-- technically good, but not entertaining.

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Dancing With The Stars

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