Dancing With The Stars

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Look, Ma! One Hand!

Mario and Karina are up next. Last week, the judges told Mario he was too young and too loose for the ballroom dances. This week, he's doing the jive and the Viennese waltz. Of course, they are doing a lift during the jive, and they have some trouble, so just like Baby and Johnny, they take to the water. Except Karina is wearing more jewelry in the pool than I wore to my wedding, including giant doorknocker earrings.

Their first dance is the Viennese waltz to Alicia Keys's "If I Don't Have You," which I was just belting out in the car the other day. Karina twirls across the floor towards Mario and one of her hairpins or something goes flying from her head. She could put someone's eye out! Anyway, that giant twirl leads to a twirling lift, which does seem to fit with the character of the dance. Something is really wrong with Mario's footwork, and I just can't figure it out. It's like he's too flat-footed or something. Judges? Bruno says that Mario is the new prince of the dance floor, and he danced with poise and distinction. Carrie Ann compliments his stiffness and everyone gets a big kick out of that. She adds that their lift really enhanced the routine. Len starts off comparing Mario's usual routines to Britney Spears getting out of a car -- not very elegant. Wow, timely reference there, Len. Anyway, Len thought that tonight, Mario was elegant. Backstage, Mario does a truly awful Len impersonation, so the less said about that the better. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9 for a total of 27. Man, the judges are overscoring tonight.

Marissa and Tony are up next. Last week, Marissa got her highest scores from the judges but landed in the bottom two. She says that after surviving cancer, nothing seems like that big of a deal. Tony declares that he's doing a lift, no matter what, with the unspoken no matter what being that Marissa outweighs the other women in the competition by quite a bit. Marissa says that now that she's made it this far, she kind of wants to win. Let's not get crazy there Winokur.

Seriously, the wardrobe people hate Marissa, or they don't know how to dress anyone who actually wears clothing. This week she's got an old-fashioned Gibson girl hairdo and an ugly gray dress that just emphasizes her belly. Have these people ever heard of Spanx? I'm all for letting it all hang out, but not while wearing a skintight dress. Anyway, Marissa and Tony begin their foxtrot to "New York, New York." Okay, I did a tap dance to this song when I was ten. And you bet I wore a silver spangled top hat and carried a cane. The best part was when my group formed a kick line and one girl's top hat bounced off her head and she drop-kicked it out into the audience. Good times. Anyway, this routine is eh. I'm so distracted by Marissa's unflattering dress that I can't really watch it, and it doesn't feel like a ballroom dance. But what did the judges think? Carrie Ann loved the joy Marissa brought to the floor. Len thinks Marissa looks better in hold than alone. Bruno compares Marissa to Ethel Merman and does a passable impersonation of Ethel singing before saying that there wasn't enough gliding for a quarterfinal dance. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 25.

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Dancing With The Stars

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