Dancing With The Stars
Season 11 Performance 1

Episode Report Card
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The "Stars" Go Dancing

Maks unveils his latest partner, Brandy. She's a fine girl. Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. Maks promises us that he's going to be a good boy this season. Hmm. He tells Brandy that he's trying to soften up and she says that she needs him to push her. Maks is happy to hear it, and also happy that Brandy is really hard on herself, because it means she cares. She's not Kate Gosselin, in other words. Ooh, child. They missed an opportunity not pairing Maks with Kate.

They have the Viennese waltz. Brandy is really graceful and she's got great technique. I would say her area for improvement is connection to her partner and also getting into character. Which is odd, since she's an actress. But she's one to watch. Carrie Ann tells her to smooth it out a little because she's hitting her spot too hard, but she's got great potential. Len tells her that it was fabulous. They must be running long, because Len barely spoke. Bruno tells her that she was sweeping and electrifying, and he can't wait until next week. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 23. Brandy practically collapses, she's so excited.

Bristol Palin is up next. Look, I don't have anything positive to say about her mother, so I'll shut up, since her mother isn't on the show. I don't really get why Bristol is on this show. I mean, she's in the public eye for sure, and they've had a lot of people on the show that could only be loosely called "stars." I get why the producers wanted her; lots of people will tune in to see what she's like. But why does SHE want to do it? Does she want to be famous? What's her endgame? That's what I don't get. She's young, so maybe it's just, "This would be cool! I'd be on TV!" I just would think, given what she's done in the past few years, that she would understand better than anyone that being on TV isn't always cool. Sigh. So anyway. During rehearsals, she seems kind of shy and...let's be honest, not that bright. She should hang out with Audrina. They could have awesome conversations about... soup (triple bonus for the Best in Show reference). And easily led, which is bad, because her partner is Mark, who has done a lot of things before that I thought were in bad taste or just plain stupid. This could be awesomely terrible.

So they're doing the cha cha to "Mama Told Me Not to Come," and Bristol does not seem to get the double meaning at all. Ugh. Gross. Isn't she supposed to be promoting abstinence? Does that include masturbation? I've gone too far down this line of thought. She starts out in a suit, and quickly rips it off to reveal the dress beneath. And...she's pretty terrible. I do actually admire her courage. I think it was a bad idea to go on the show, but once you agree to it, you've got to go balls out, and she pretty much does. And parts of the routine aren't so bad. She can shake her bum and shimmy her shoulders. She just doesn't always commit to the moves and it looks awkward. She's like that girl on your dance troupe who likes hanging out with the other girls and is nice to everyone, but you always put her in the back row because she's a beat behind and doesn't quite seem to understand the choreography. And now she's got a solo. She's not a performer. Len thinks it was good for week one, and she just needs to loosen up a bit. Bruno praises some of her technique and tells her to work on the performance. Carrie Ann admits that she thought Bristol would be boring, but she showed flashes of really great moves. And that's true. She wasn't boring like some of the models have been. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18. Fair, maybe a little generous.

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Dancing With The Stars

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