I feel like I was negligent last night because I didn't fully describe the horror that is Lacey's costume. I mean, all of the costumes were wacky because ROCK AND ROLL but Lacey's is just awful. She's got on a corset, natch, and then a peasant skirt. Except there's the top of the peasant skirt cut to about boy short length, and then a gap, and then the rest of the tiers of the skirt are hanging from garters. So it sort of looks like she's wearing a garter belt with a skirt bottom attached to it. Which is terrible, but then on Lacey, it's worse because her thighs are her problem area and that's where the gap is, so that's where you eyes go. God bless her for rocking that look, I guess, but she needs a friend in wardrobe to help her, I think. She's like that girl in college who gained ten pounds and would look great if her clothes fit, but she's in denial about the weight gain, so everything is just a LITTLE too tight, and it makes her look fatter than if she just went up a size and wore clothes that flattered. Anyway.
We're starting right out with some results. First, they're going to tell us about the bottom three from last night. Bristol and Mark were happy with their performance, which is good, because they knew it was make or break. Kurt had a good attitude even though the judges totally underscored him. Jennifer was out of control and her scores reflected it, and she and Derek were disappointed. You know, Derek looks really good in eyeliner. He would be a fine-looking woman. Anyway, it's time to find out who is safe and who is in jeopardy. Am I the only one who starts singing that Greg Kihn Band song, "Our love's in jeopardy, baby." Remember that video? With the giant snake? Oh, early MTV. You so crazy. All this time I've been reminiscing, Tom and Brooke have been babbling about the results, and guess who's safe? Kurt and Anna! YAAAAAY! Also safe are Bristol and Mark. Whoa. So who's going home? I'm perplexed. Jennifer and Derek are in jeopardy, and Jennifer does a fake swoon. I don't know if I like it when they pretend that they don't care about the results. I don't want them to care too much, but I don't want them to not care either, or what's the point. I am fickle and a harsh mistress.
Bristol and Mark get the encore. I didn't mention Bristol's bizarre purple marching band outfit last night either. Bristol is built like me, so I have empathy for my apple-shaped sister. It's tough to dress to disguise that tummy. She does WAAAAAY better tonight. Man, she should dance every week like she's not being scored, because that's the best she's ever been.
Here's Heart to sing "Barracuda." I'm really sad that Nancy Wilson and Cameron Crowe split up. Let me tell you the coolest thing about Cameron Crowe. He makes a mix tape (don't know if he's upgraded to CDs or not these days) every month and has done so for decades. Just a mix tape of songs he's listening to that month. Imagine being able to go back to June 1987 and hear a time capsule of the music you were into that month. That would be awesome. Anyway, some of the pros come out to do a paso doble. I see Louis, Derek, and that dude who was Pamela Anderson's partner. Two of the ladies are Chelsie and Karina but I don't recognize the other one. What was his name? Damien. Let me tell you something about Heart. They are not lip syncing, and they are amazing. Ann Wilson has still got some pipes on her. And Nancy looks about thirty years old. And they rock. They are my heroes.
Brooke is backstage with Kyle, who says that Len might be developing a soft spot for him. Kyle is just babbling and making no sense. You know how I pretended that Lacey's outfit was only problematic in the skirt area? Yeah, I failed to mention that she is wearing feather epaulets. I don't even know what is going on there. Kyle reveals that, in rehearsals, Lacey fell down and it shook him up a bit. During rehearsals, the floor was black and Maks made some comment pre-show about how slippery the floor was, so maybe Lacey's fall convinced them to ditch the black covering. Anyway, Rick and Cheryl also danced last night. The end.